My Motherhood

With Mothers Day just around the corner, I can't help but think constantly about this thing called Motherhood.

For three long years - and the three years before that, just waiting for the right time to "pull the goalie", as it were- it felt so far away. Sometimes completely unobtainable. I remember in vivid detail the first Mothers Day after a year of "trying" and a few short weeks after hearing medical confirmation of the issues we were facing coupled with the phrase, "It's likely going to be very difficult for you to get pregnant." Jeff had been asked to speak in church on that day. I was so, so angry - why did it seem like a good idea to ask the childless couple to speak on a day dedicated to parenthood? In truth, they had no idea what we were facing or just how raw and painful the topic of motherhood was at that point in time.

When the day came, I sat in the very back pew by myself because I knew it would be a difficult hour. I made it through the first speaker, and just felt disgruntled. I could do disgruntled.

Then it was Jeff's turn. He wrote a beautiful talk, and spoke a lot about the sanctity of motherhood and shared a lot of wonderful stories of the sacrifices his mom made for him. Slowly but steadily, the loneliness and grief and feelings of inadequacy worked their way to the surface. What kind of woman can't give her husband a kid? Isn't that the whole purpose of life? All I could do was keep my head down and try not to cry. I prayed to be able to keep it together.

I couldn't. By the time the third and final speaker stood up, I was an ugly-crying, sobbing wreck and walked outside. It literally could not be contained. Feelings are not something I deal with often - it's not that I don't have them, they are just secondary to the doing part of life, so when I feel something strong enough to the point of crying, there's no stopping and it certainly isn't for lack of want or trying. I was so embarrassed and even angrier - I couldn't get pregnant, and now I was making an absolute fool of myself. In public. AND Jeff had the car keys so I was stuck. I will never forget the sweet acquaintance - who soon became the best friend I have ever had- who took it upon herself to walk over and just let me be angry and sad and didn't try and tell me it would be okay. Because at that moment, it wasn't. As soon as sacrament meeting was over, I walked in to catch Jeff on his way out of the chapel and asked if we could please go home. There are so many worse trials in life than this and I'm completely aware of how melodramatic this sounds, but the best way I can describe how that day felt was agony.

Fast forward three years later and my train of thought is one of extreme gratitude. The beautiful little boy who has finally physically joined our family is a gorgeous, pure slice of heavenly perfection. The weeks following his birth felt sacred. There is nothing sweeter than welcoming a new, pure little spirit to your home - and the personal transformation that inspired is nothing short of amazing and something I will forever be grateful for. There aren't words to describe strongly enough what it means to me, but the closest I can find are these: This is *everything* to me. Wiping food off a dirty, smiling face. Listening to high-pitched squeals and caveman grunts while he figures out how fingers and toes work. Reaching out and catching a little head as he launches himself backwards when he is tired of sitting, completely trusting that *someone* will be there to break his fall. Sweet snuggles, sometimes at odd hours of the night. A little hand, reaching up to twirl my hair while he is nursing. Teaching him how to do the most basic things - sit, roll over, sip on a straw. Watching and cheering on as he achieves each new milestone, simultaneously so proud I could burst and feeling a little bit of heartbreak as he gets bigger and braver.

I'm not a perfect person - so, so far from perfect. But if anything or anyone could inspire me to try my hardest to be that way someday, it is having a little tiny face looking up at me watching, hearing, learning, absorbing, everything that I do.

So, I'm grateful. Thank you, baby Cade, for coming to our family and giving me a piece of myself that I couldn't find any other way.

Labor and birth: The Whole Truth and NOTHING but the Truth

Part 2: Labor and Birth.

I mean it when I say this post is about a 12 on a 1-10 scale of TMI, so probably only read on if you've had a baby, or are going to have a baby and want to know what to truly expect during labor, delivery, and your first week postpartum.

LABOR:

Going into labor: They always say, "OH. You will KNOW when you're in labor."
 Not necessarily true.
I went into labor about 7:30 PM the night before I had Cade and didn't know/believe it. The contractions were painful, but not painful to the point that I felt like dying and couldn't talk through them. Even when they were 5 minutes apart, I wasn't in the drop-to-the-ground pain that people talk about or show you in the movies. If you're in doubt, call your mom, or call a friend. Don't call labor and delivery who will tell you, "Hon, is this your first? Call back when you can't talk through them."

Your water breaking: Again, to those who say, "OH. You will KNOW when your water breaks."
NO.
My water broke 3.5 days before Cade was born. I figured that occasional trickle of pink fluid was just another pregnancy oddity. So, if you feel like things coming out of you shouldn't be coming out of you, go get checked anyways. That amniotic sack is the only barrier between your baby and the germy outside world, so being too long inside a ruptured sack can be dangerous for both of you.

Triggering Labor: I'm now a believer in old wives tails. My water was broken with some *ahem* spousal assistance. If doing the nasty feels like painful punches to the cervix, probably stop unless you're ready to go into labor. Jus' sayin'.

Getting to the hospital: If you're not dropping to the ground and moaning with every contraction, they probably won't take you seriously. So maybe lay on the ritz a little with that part.

Pitocin: I'm a fan. That stuff kicks your contractions up like you wouldn't believe, so just know that ahead of time.

Epidural: Probably the 2nd worst part. Holding perfectly still during contractions isn't fun for anyone, you or the support person holding your hands. Feeling a needle digging around in your spinal column also doesn't feel great. And also, it doesn't always take immediate effect. It might get one side nice and numb, but you might have to roll around for a decent while before it gets the other side.
                 THE BUTTON: There's a button that you can push that kicks up the meds. Wait til it's real. If you don't know when it's "real", ask the nurse.
                 OF NOTE: There is fentanyl in the epidural, which is an opioid. This means it will mess with your head. The only thing that has made me question whether I could have done it without the epidural is that the entire hour after Cade's birth is extremely fuzzy in my mind and there are parts that I don't remember - including doing skin to skin with him. That part is very sad for me. So just know that going in. Next time, because of this, I will probably try to go natural.
                 ALSO OF NOTE: You get a catheter when you get an epidural. It's possible that the catheter will mess with you a little and you will pee yourself sometimes. Being honest, here. I've found that this has gotten better with time but I still have some residual pain from the catheter.

DELIVERY
On being "complete". "Complete" means that you are 100% effaced, and 10 cm dilated. Baby is READY to come out. There's a fair chance that even with an epidural you will know exactly when that is. I went from 8 cm to complete in 15 or so minutes but still waited another half hour to ask to be checked. Don't do that. When you know you're ready, tell them. ALSO: It does NOT feel like you "have to poop". It feels like you're ready to push a baby out.

On "the shakes". Apparently this is a thing. Whether it be from pain, from the medicine, or as my nurse explained, "your body isn't sure if you are pregnant or not", get ready for full-body shakes from head to toe. Don't try and stop it, just let it happen, and know that it's normal.

On Pushing: You will do a series of "practice pushes" before they call your doctor. They will gauge your pushing effectiveness but these are no different than "real pushes". They still move your baby and you push the same way. Some women find it very hard to do when they are numb, I felt like it was just doing a massive crunch and it was very intuitive. They may ask you not to push through contractions which will be super not fun if your baby is literally just waiting to be born. Take a deep breath and think about ANYTHING other than pushing. Sometimes pushing will last for hours, other times it will last for minutes. Many women feel this is the most empowering part of the whole birth process.

On an Episiotomy: I felt like my doctor did this because he wanted to hurry the delivery along (this is probably the drawback of a clinic that has doctors on call for delivery but still maintain a full day of clinic hours). The healing from that wasn't fun, and I had stitches from nearly one exit point to the next. It's still pretty tender. If they bring it up, follow your intuition. You may tear anyways, but you may not. Either way, it should be your choice.

It's completely true what people say. Once you're ready to push, you do not care who is in the room, you do not care who sees your nether regions, you just want to get that baby out.

POSTPARTUM RECOVERY
Oh guys. That week or two after is going to be the hardest of your life. Your body is expending all kinds of energy trying to heal wounds inside and out, your milk is coming in, you haven't slept since the 2nd trimester and then there is the very, very real hormone crash.

If you had a vaginal delivery, here are a few things you NEED to have.

PERIBOTTLE: It's a little waterbottle that you use in lieu of toilet paper. This thing is number one.
DERMOPLAST: It's numbing, and cooling, and 2nd ONLY to the peribottle and easing the  discomfort.
PAINMEDS: These are up to you. I opted out of percocet because pain meds really mess with my ability to think clearly, remember things, and function like an adult and went with ibuprofen instead. It's really nice to have something that you can take to ease the edge off, because that edge is sharper than any gourmet kitchen knife I will tell you that right now.

SITTING: It sounds counterintuitive, but don't sit on overly soft surfaces if you can help it. The surface will spread, which will cause your stitches to spread and holy balls, you guys. That's just awful.

                Just a little PSA: Don't look down there for a while, 'k? It's not good for you.

HORMONE CRASH: You hear of the baby blues, but that's pretty nondescript. I'm sure it looks different for everyone, but a week after Cade was born and I was starting to turn the corner physically, mentally it got crazy hard. Every night for a while there would be this cloud of despair and anxiety that would settle over me and I'd cry for hours because I was sure life would never feel okay again. Eventually it did, about when we started to get stretches of sleep longer than an hour at a time, but sometimes these feelings don't lift. If you find that you feel you're just kind of drowning in these feelings or numb to life, go get help. There's no reason to feel miserable.

NURSING BOOBS: When you're a breastfeeding newbie you will smell like old milk, pretty much all the time, for a couple weeks. Get okay with that. When your milk is coming in and trying to determine exactly how much your baby needs, it's a messy business and your new baby is trying to figure out how to nurse too. A tip: put lanolin on immediately BEFORE nursing and it will help a ton with the pain. The trade off to all of this is that your boobs look pretty amazing right now.








 

Cade is 3 months Old

These last 3 months have gone so quickly that my head feels like it may never stop spinning. I can't believe my sweet little boy is already over a 1/4 of the way through his first year but my goodness he is!

At 3 months, Cade:

is 24.5 inches long
Is wearing 3-6 month (getting tight) and 6 month clothing
size 2 diapers
and a recent development - is sleeping through the night! I'm conflicted over this one, as I'm so happy to finally be feeling rested but really missing our late-night cuddle sessions. It's so rewarding to see him growing and thriving but at the same time, hurts my heart that he needs me less.

He's holding his head SO well, loves to be carried around and really, really loves to go on walks. He's happiest in the morning, tends to get fussy in the evenings (but show me a baby who doesn't) and is getting better at putting himself to sleep.

Bathtime is still his personal favorite time of the day, but he loves the attention he gets when we change his diapers.

He likes to make noise and is finally starting to grab and try to hold things - his favorite so far seems to be a little giraffe.

Cade my love, you are by far the best thing to ever happen to us. Happy 3 months baby boy!

THE WHOLE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH: Pregnancy

This is pregnancy in a nutshell. Mostly the stuff nobody talks about much, so you get slapped in the face wondering if it's normal.

It is.

Read on.

THE PARANOIA: Congratulations! You're pregnant! You just got your very first positive test. Two pink lines, a blue criss-cross, or the triumphant "PREGNANT 1-2 WKS", whichever the case may be.

But wait... ONE positive test is not enough. No! You need to see the progression - those lines getting darker, the digital proclaiming an increasing very rough estimate of how many weeks you are. Back to the store you go. You might just get one more pack to take in a couple of days  - just to see. OR, you could be like me and spend over $100 on pregnancy tests of every kind over the next two weeks because you NEED to see visual evidence of your pregnancy every single day until your first dating ultrasound. Whichever works.

This is only the start. By the end of your next nine months, your Google history will contain search items like, "I just tripped and landed hard but on my feet is my baby okay" and "Accidentally fell asleep on my right side did I cause my baby a brain injury" and "how many milligrams of caffeine is too many".

THE HUNGER: You will never forget your very first bout of pregnancy hunger. Whatever you're doing, you. will. remember. forever. Mine, I was about 5 weeks pregnant and walking through the dining room when it hit. I need to eat RIGHT NOW or I will die. I will die or pass out or vomit or maybe even all three but not in that order. So I whipped open the pantry door and grabbed the first thing I saw, which was nuts and fruit strips and ate it all. I've never tasted anything better in my life.

Prepare your husbands for this. If they don't know to look away when it's happening they may never see you the same way again.

THE THIRST: Your body will start increasing blood volume to nourish that little fetus of yours and it starts really early. It also wants liquid to replenish amniotic fluid. To do that, you need water and lots of it. Now I don't care if you've run marathons or done two-a-day football practices in August. You do not understand this kind of thirst until you're knocked up.

FOOD AVERSIONS: Morning sickness may or may not get you. Food aversions you can pretty much count on. Remember how much you love pineapple? How you could eat it forever and ever and never be tired of it? Swerve.There will be a dinner one night when you will look at it longingly and put a piece on your plate. Your tastebuds start doing this thing where they prepare  the back of your throat for what it's about to swallow and it will straight out seize up and your brain will be like, "Girl, I hope you really appreciated the last time you ate this 'cause you're not gonna eat it again." Confusing, I know. Don't try and understand it because there's nothing logical about it.


THE BOOBS: If you had small boobs: they get bigger. If you had big boobs: they still get bigger. They're all bigger. Your husband will not complain about this. Fun fact: he will notice before you do. Funny how that works.

THE BELLY: You will spend the first trimester wondering where in the heck your baby bump is. You will check the mirror multiple times a day. At best, it looks like a food baby. The second trimester, you'll start showing and people might be able to discern a baby bump rather than a taco tummy.  And come the third trimester, your bump will hit level "I WILL CUT A B IF I'M STILL PREGNANT NEXT TIME I CLEAN THIS TUB".


Squeamish readers, stop here. Husbands, avert your eyes. It's about to get really real. I can't remember how many times I called my mom prefacing the conversation with, "I'm about to get weird on you but I have got to ask you a question". There are things that happen that nobody will prepare you for and I'm about to be the somebody that does.

MORE ON BOOBS: There's a fair to middlin' chance that you will start lactating early. Like as early as 12 weeks. (Raises hand). Totally normal. Don't worry about it, and don't be overly freaked if you are in the middle of church and suddenly realize one of your best gals is soaking wet.

CRACKING PELVIS: It's not actually cracking, it just feels that way. As your baby (and the rest of you, probably, if we're being really honest) gets bigger, it puts increased pressure on your pelvis and ligaments. It's gonna hurt like a mofo when you get up in the morning, when you go down stairs, basically whenever you walk. Just get used to it and know that it will end someday.

BREATHING: I hope you really enjoyed doing that before you got pregnant. Because from about 6-9 months you will find yourself sitting sideways in the drivers side just to get a half breath of air. This will improve drastically once baby drops, which in turn will turn the "cracking pelvis" up a healthy notch.

THE SWELLING: Holy hannah the swelling. It will be everywhere. Your fingers, your face, your legs, and your feet. Invest in some compression stockings now. Maybe make sure they're cute, because you will probably wear them out of the house. Let me rephrase: You should never not wear them. Start grooming your husband now that he should fully pretend that he thinks you are every bit as sexy in a maternity bra and old folks' stockings because that will be your M.O. for a while.

PREGNANT FACE: This is where your nose grows and your face gets fat. I don't know why it happens, it just does, and it goes away.

STRETCHMARKS: Do not be fooled. Just because you don't have any throughout your pregnancy does not mean they won't show up instantly after having your baby. Just sayin'. 

THE CONTRACTIONS: Some people never have them until the big event. Some people have them the majority of their pregnancy. If you're one of those lucky ones, take it easy, drink lots (especially gatorade) and keep an eye on them. More than 6 in an hour, call the doctor. I had them from 19 weeks onward pretty regularly and several times an hour which made me a little confused when I was actually in labor.

MUCUS PLUG: Google it. Know what it is. Know that you will lose it. Know that you will KNOW when that happens. Labor could be in an hour, or a day, or a month. Don't put too much stock in it.

Caden is Two Months Old

Oh goodness, I seriously can't believe how quickly time is passing. This little boy is the absolute light of our lives and I can't imagine life without him now. It's a lot harder to get things done, but there's nothing I'd rather do than snuggle and play the day away with him.

At two months old, Cade:

Likes: Bathtime - seriously loves it. He instantly calms down and has started splashing his legs. His favorite part is still getting his head scrubbed at the end. It's been his favorite since the day he was born.
Eating: that boy will eat and eat and eat. Then he'll spit it back up and eat some more. He nurses like a champ.
Snuggling: he doesn't like to get put down. That makes it a real challenge to work or get ready or do the dishes, so I try and fit in as much as I can when he takes his (one) nap each day.
Talking: he has found his voice and he makes the biggest smiles when you talk to him and does his best to contribute to the conversation.

Doesn't like:
Getting his diaper changed
Getting dressed after bathtime
Getting put down

He's doing (mildly) better with tummy time, but we need to do it more often.
I'll update his height and weight after his 2 month app this week.

Last night at dinner Jeff and I had the realization at the exact same moment that we finally feel refreshed and like normally functioning adults again. I'm pretty sure this is directly correlated to the fact that he has had 2 nights of really good sleep - Saturday, he had 6 hrs and then 3 hrs, and last night he had 7 hrs and then 2 hrs.

Mom moments:
I discovered (I think) the key to getting him to sleep for a good while at night. Feed him really well, and then I bring him into our bed and let him rest for 20 minutes while I get ready for bed. Then nurse him side-lying until he is good and out, and he won't wake when he gets transferred to his crib. These are the sweetest moments for me - and I'm always super tempted to just let him sleep with us all night but I've got a fear that I'll crush him or something.

He came with to our company Christmas party and did so good! He slept most of the time and then smiled at my mom the rest of it.

Caden is one month old

Holy cow, how did this month go by? I swear it was just yesterday I brought home my sweet, jaundiced, tired little baby and was completely overwhelmed and second guessing my every move.

I still feel like a newb, but am slowly starting to get to know his needs and little personality. For instance:

He likes to wake up real slow in the mornings. He'll grunt the hours away in his cradle, but around 6:30 he'd like to eat a little and be patted to sleep on your chest. Then at 7:30 he wants to eat a little more, and then he'll sleep for another hour or two. Mostly he just wants to snuggle. And that's totally okay.

A binky is not a suitable substitute for a boob.

He doesn't sleep well with his arms swaddled at night. He wants them up near his head, so we just swaddle the rest of him.

Chances are, if he's just woken up and you try to change him, a projectile liquid from one or more orifices is just waiting to cover you *and* him. It's best to give him a couple minutes to wake up fully.

He does best with tummy time about an hour after he's eaten.

He coos at night when he nurses.

He sneezes just like his dad - 5-7 times in a row.

He's a grunter.


Mom Moments:

1) His circumcision was the most awful, awful, awful. I could hear him screaming from the waiting room. When I was finally allowed to go get him, he looked up at me with the saddest, most betrayed face. I will never forget that look and oh, it hurt my heart.

2) I took him to the doctor because I was convinced they messed up on his circ. Turns out they didn't.

3) He peed right into my eyeball one night.

4) My favorite thing EVER is how he looks up and just stares into my eyes when he nurses. I swear I can see right into his soul and it's the sweetest, most innocent, most genuine little soul ever.

5) I'll be honest and admit that I didn't feel an immediate bond with him after he was born. I went right into hyper-aware, am I doing any of this right? mode, but by week one I tell you my heart could just burst.

Now, before the photo dump, let me just tell you I don't have adequate words to describe what being a mom has done to me. I adore everything about my little baby Cade and can't imagine my life without him. I'm exhausted, my house is not nearly as clean as it was a month ago, and I haven't bothered to put on makeup today, but I love, love, love being his mom. I feel like it's my calling.

Already, thoughts of  "when can we have another one? will we have to do IVF? How many times can we do this?" have started filling my head and heart. I can't imagine doing this just once and I feel an assurance that we'll get to do it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One week old and adorable as can be.

 

 

3 weeks old

Caden's Birth Story

I have loved reading other people's birth stories throughout this pregnancy so I thought I would share ours. Also, I wanted to document it for my own benefit because it was such a whirlwind.

On Tuesday Oct 18, I started contracting in the evening. Contractions weren't anything new for me since I'd been having Braxton Hicks pretty frequently since 20 weeks, but these ones were persisting a little more and definitely hurt a bit. I didn't say anything to Jeff because I figured it was either false labor or I was becoming a wimp from all the Braxton Hicks.

We went to bed around 11:30, but I got back up and went to the living room since I was having contractions averaging every 4 minutes and they were starting to be pretty uncomfortable. After an hour and a half, they'd tapered off enough that I decided they were false labor and went to bed. However, I was woken up an hour and a half later by more painful contractions coming consistently every 8 minutes - then every 6-8 minutes. I asked my mom around 7 if she thought it was the real deal and she suggested calling labor and delivery. They told me to call back when I couldn't talk through them, but then decided to have us come in and get checked since I was also leaking pink fluid.

I woke Jeff up and told him I needed him to cancel work for the day and go to the hospital with me. We took 45 minutes getting everything together and eating breakfast, then by 9:00 we were in triage having contractions every 5 minutes, dilated to a 3 and 90% effaced. They said they were going to check in an hour and if things hadn't progressed we would go - but first they wanted to check and see if my water had broken. The first test came back positive, but they thought it might be a false positive so ordered a lab test. Half an hour later, the nurse walked in and said, "You're ruptured! Let's get you admitted."

Turns out my water had broken on Monday. Oops.

An hour later, I'd been hooked up to pitocin and was dilating quickly - a half hour after that I'd had my epidural and was at a 5, and then by 1:00 pm was at an 8. 20 minutes later I was feeling like I needed to push but for some reason waited for another 15 minutes to call the nurse.  I knew I needed to call sooner, but was in denial that this was the finish line and was scared out of my mind. When I couldn't take it anymore and had started shaking uncontrollably I told Jeff we needed to get somebody in there.

As an aside, the epidural was probably the worst part for me. Holding still through contractions was rough, and then when she put the catheter in I felt it hit a nerve that sent a jolt of pain through my leg, but it was super short-lived. It took about 20-30 mins for it to take total. effect, I could feel the contractions wrapping around my back on the right side for a while but once it numbed that side it was pretty amazing.

When the nurse came in, she checked and said, "Oh! You are complete."

She got the room ready and we did a practice push that was very effective - she told me he had hair.
"Another push like that, and I'll call the doctor."

The next one was just like that - two more contractions and she told me I had to stop which was extremely uncomfortable. Thanks to the epidural it wasn't painful, but my body was so uncomfortable and anxious to get the baby out that I had to concentrate really hard through contractions to *not* push, which meant not relaxing, which stressed me out. She kept texting our doctor and then finally called and said, "You need to get in here NOW."

He ran over from the office, threw scrubs on over his clothes and with the next contraction, I pushed and his head came out- then the next push his shoulder came out. "Wait! Dad wants to catch!" The nurse yelled. Jeff had just enough time to throw on some gloves and with the final push Caden was in Jeff's arms. I think I pushed through five contractions total for about 20 minutes - and that time includes the contractions I wasn't allowed to push through. Right before the last push I got an episiotomy and he slid out really easily after that.

The moments after that are a blur - he came out screaming and they laid him on my stomach until Jeff cut the cord. The assessed him and his apgars came in at 8 and 10 - I got to hold him and help clean him for a few minutes before they took him to get wiped off and weighed. For being 3 weeks early, he was a good size - 7 lbs 6 oz which is exactly what I weighed, and he was born at 2:20 in the afternoon which is within minutes of the time Jeff was born. He was 18.5 inches long.

I cried a lot - so relieved that he was there, so happy to finally meet him, and completely overwhelmed with the whirlwind experience of the day. Neither of us thought we'd be admitted, and even more than that I never would have imagined that 4.5 hours after admission we'd be holding our baby.

Meeting him was a little different than I'd imagined - there was definitely a rush of "Oh! That's my baby!" and at the same time, "Is this really my baby?"

We were discharged the next day, but had to go back to get bilirubin levels checked three times. They're finally going down and the doctor has said he is healthy and doesn't require anymore testing!


Jeff was AMAZING through the whole thing. He didn't get grossed out over anything - which is amazing because as a female, I find a lot of things about giving birth gross. He watched them administer the epidural, and watched through pushing updating all the way since I'd requested they not have the mirror. He was so supportive and has been THE cutest daddy to Caden. I always knew he'd be a great dad but he holds Caden as often as he can and has made sure to help with EVERYTHING - if I get up in the middle of the night, he helps change the diapers.

We are so grateful for this sweet little boy of ours and are slowly adjusting to being a family of three.