This is pregnancy in a nutshell. Mostly the stuff nobody talks about much, so you get slapped in the face wondering if it's normal.
It is.
Read on.
THE PARANOIA: Congratulations! You're pregnant! You just got your very first positive test. Two pink lines, a blue criss-cross, or the triumphant "PREGNANT 1-2 WKS", whichever the case may be.
But wait... ONE positive test is not enough. No! You need to see the progression - those lines getting darker, the digital proclaiming an increasing very rough estimate of how many weeks you are. Back to the store you go. You might just get one more pack to take in a couple of days - just to see. OR, you could be like me and spend over $100 on pregnancy tests of every kind over the next two weeks because you NEED to see visual evidence of your pregnancy every single day until your first dating ultrasound. Whichever works.
This is only the start. By the end of your next nine months, your Google history will contain search items like, "I just tripped and landed hard but on my feet is my baby okay" and "Accidentally fell asleep on my right side did I cause my baby a brain injury" and "how many milligrams of caffeine is too many".
THE HUNGER: You will never forget your very first bout of pregnancy hunger. Whatever you're doing, you. will. remember. forever. Mine, I was about 5 weeks pregnant and walking through the dining room when it hit. I need to eat RIGHT NOW or I will die. I will die or pass out or vomit or maybe even all three but not in that order. So I whipped open the pantry door and grabbed the first thing I saw, which was nuts and fruit strips and ate it all. I've never tasted anything better in my life.
Prepare your husbands for this. If they don't know to look away when it's happening they may never see you the same way again.
THE THIRST: Your body will start increasing blood volume to nourish that little fetus of yours and it starts really early. It also wants liquid to replenish amniotic fluid. To do that, you need water and lots of it. Now I don't care if you've run marathons or done two-a-day football practices in August. You do not understand this kind of thirst until you're knocked up.
FOOD AVERSIONS: Morning sickness may or may not get you. Food aversions you can pretty much count on. Remember how much you love pineapple? How you could eat it forever and ever and never be tired of it? Swerve.There will be a dinner one night when you will look at it longingly and put a piece on your plate. Your tastebuds start doing this thing where they prepare the back of your throat for what it's about to swallow and it will straight out seize up and your brain will be like, "Girl, I hope you really appreciated the last time you ate this 'cause you're not gonna eat it again." Confusing, I know. Don't try and understand it because there's nothing logical about it.
THE BOOBS: If you had small boobs: they get bigger. If you had big boobs: they still get bigger. They're all bigger. Your husband will not complain about this. Fun fact: he will notice before you do. Funny how that works.
THE BELLY: You will spend the first trimester wondering where in the heck your baby bump is. You will check the mirror multiple times a day. At best, it looks like a food baby. The second trimester, you'll start showing and people might be able to discern a baby bump rather than a taco tummy. And come the third trimester, your bump will hit level "I WILL CUT A B IF I'M STILL PREGNANT NEXT TIME I CLEAN THIS TUB".
Squeamish readers, stop here. Husbands, avert your eyes. It's about to get really real. I can't remember how many times I called my mom prefacing the conversation with, "I'm about to get weird on you but I have got to ask you a question". There are things that happen that nobody will prepare you for and I'm about to be the somebody that does.
MORE ON BOOBS: There's a fair to middlin' chance that you will start lactating early. Like as early as 12 weeks. (Raises hand). Totally normal. Don't worry about it, and don't be overly freaked if you are in the middle of church and suddenly realize one of your best gals is soaking wet.
CRACKING PELVIS: It's not actually cracking, it just feels that way. As your baby (and the rest of you, probably, if we're being really honest) gets bigger, it puts increased pressure on your pelvis and ligaments. It's gonna hurt like a mofo when you get up in the morning, when you go down stairs, basically whenever you walk. Just get used to it and know that it will end someday.
BREATHING: I hope you really enjoyed doing that before you got pregnant. Because from about 6-9 months you will find yourself sitting sideways in the drivers side just to get a half breath of air. This will improve drastically once baby drops, which in turn will turn the "cracking pelvis" up a healthy notch.
THE SWELLING: Holy hannah the swelling. It will be everywhere. Your fingers, your face, your legs, and your feet. Invest in some compression stockings now. Maybe make sure they're cute, because you will probably wear them out of the house. Let me rephrase: You should never not wear them. Start grooming your husband now that he should fully pretend that he thinks you are every bit as sexy in a maternity bra and old folks' stockings because that will be your M.O. for a while.
PREGNANT FACE: This is where your nose grows and your face gets fat. I don't know why it happens, it just does, and it goes away.
STRETCHMARKS: Do not be fooled. Just because you don't have any throughout your pregnancy does not mean they won't show up instantly after having your baby. Just sayin'.
THE CONTRACTIONS: Some people never have them until the big event. Some people have them the majority of their pregnancy. If you're one of those lucky ones, take it easy, drink lots (especially gatorade) and keep an eye on them. More than 6 in an hour, call the doctor. I had them from 19 weeks onward pretty regularly and several times an hour which made me a little confused when I was actually in labor.
MUCUS PLUG: Google it. Know what it is. Know that you will lose it. Know that you will KNOW when that happens. Labor could be in an hour, or a day, or a month. Don't put too much stock in it.
