Caden is Two Months Old

Oh goodness, I seriously can't believe how quickly time is passing. This little boy is the absolute light of our lives and I can't imagine life without him now. It's a lot harder to get things done, but there's nothing I'd rather do than snuggle and play the day away with him.

At two months old, Cade:

Likes: Bathtime - seriously loves it. He instantly calms down and has started splashing his legs. His favorite part is still getting his head scrubbed at the end. It's been his favorite since the day he was born.
Eating: that boy will eat and eat and eat. Then he'll spit it back up and eat some more. He nurses like a champ.
Snuggling: he doesn't like to get put down. That makes it a real challenge to work or get ready or do the dishes, so I try and fit in as much as I can when he takes his (one) nap each day.
Talking: he has found his voice and he makes the biggest smiles when you talk to him and does his best to contribute to the conversation.

Doesn't like:
Getting his diaper changed
Getting dressed after bathtime
Getting put down

He's doing (mildly) better with tummy time, but we need to do it more often.
I'll update his height and weight after his 2 month app this week.

Last night at dinner Jeff and I had the realization at the exact same moment that we finally feel refreshed and like normally functioning adults again. I'm pretty sure this is directly correlated to the fact that he has had 2 nights of really good sleep - Saturday, he had 6 hrs and then 3 hrs, and last night he had 7 hrs and then 2 hrs.

Mom moments:
I discovered (I think) the key to getting him to sleep for a good while at night. Feed him really well, and then I bring him into our bed and let him rest for 20 minutes while I get ready for bed. Then nurse him side-lying until he is good and out, and he won't wake when he gets transferred to his crib. These are the sweetest moments for me - and I'm always super tempted to just let him sleep with us all night but I've got a fear that I'll crush him or something.

He came with to our company Christmas party and did so good! He slept most of the time and then smiled at my mom the rest of it.

Caden is one month old

Holy cow, how did this month go by? I swear it was just yesterday I brought home my sweet, jaundiced, tired little baby and was completely overwhelmed and second guessing my every move.

I still feel like a newb, but am slowly starting to get to know his needs and little personality. For instance:

He likes to wake up real slow in the mornings. He'll grunt the hours away in his cradle, but around 6:30 he'd like to eat a little and be patted to sleep on your chest. Then at 7:30 he wants to eat a little more, and then he'll sleep for another hour or two. Mostly he just wants to snuggle. And that's totally okay.

A binky is not a suitable substitute for a boob.

He doesn't sleep well with his arms swaddled at night. He wants them up near his head, so we just swaddle the rest of him.

Chances are, if he's just woken up and you try to change him, a projectile liquid from one or more orifices is just waiting to cover you *and* him. It's best to give him a couple minutes to wake up fully.

He does best with tummy time about an hour after he's eaten.

He coos at night when he nurses.

He sneezes just like his dad - 5-7 times in a row.

He's a grunter.


Mom Moments:

1) His circumcision was the most awful, awful, awful. I could hear him screaming from the waiting room. When I was finally allowed to go get him, he looked up at me with the saddest, most betrayed face. I will never forget that look and oh, it hurt my heart.

2) I took him to the doctor because I was convinced they messed up on his circ. Turns out they didn't.

3) He peed right into my eyeball one night.

4) My favorite thing EVER is how he looks up and just stares into my eyes when he nurses. I swear I can see right into his soul and it's the sweetest, most innocent, most genuine little soul ever.

5) I'll be honest and admit that I didn't feel an immediate bond with him after he was born. I went right into hyper-aware, am I doing any of this right? mode, but by week one I tell you my heart could just burst.

Now, before the photo dump, let me just tell you I don't have adequate words to describe what being a mom has done to me. I adore everything about my little baby Cade and can't imagine my life without him. I'm exhausted, my house is not nearly as clean as it was a month ago, and I haven't bothered to put on makeup today, but I love, love, love being his mom. I feel like it's my calling.

Already, thoughts of  "when can we have another one? will we have to do IVF? How many times can we do this?" have started filling my head and heart. I can't imagine doing this just once and I feel an assurance that we'll get to do it again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

One week old and adorable as can be.

 

 

3 weeks old

Caden's Birth Story

I have loved reading other people's birth stories throughout this pregnancy so I thought I would share ours. Also, I wanted to document it for my own benefit because it was such a whirlwind.

On Tuesday Oct 18, I started contracting in the evening. Contractions weren't anything new for me since I'd been having Braxton Hicks pretty frequently since 20 weeks, but these ones were persisting a little more and definitely hurt a bit. I didn't say anything to Jeff because I figured it was either false labor or I was becoming a wimp from all the Braxton Hicks.

We went to bed around 11:30, but I got back up and went to the living room since I was having contractions averaging every 4 minutes and they were starting to be pretty uncomfortable. After an hour and a half, they'd tapered off enough that I decided they were false labor and went to bed. However, I was woken up an hour and a half later by more painful contractions coming consistently every 8 minutes - then every 6-8 minutes. I asked my mom around 7 if she thought it was the real deal and she suggested calling labor and delivery. They told me to call back when I couldn't talk through them, but then decided to have us come in and get checked since I was also leaking pink fluid.

I woke Jeff up and told him I needed him to cancel work for the day and go to the hospital with me. We took 45 minutes getting everything together and eating breakfast, then by 9:00 we were in triage having contractions every 5 minutes, dilated to a 3 and 90% effaced. They said they were going to check in an hour and if things hadn't progressed we would go - but first they wanted to check and see if my water had broken. The first test came back positive, but they thought it might be a false positive so ordered a lab test. Half an hour later, the nurse walked in and said, "You're ruptured! Let's get you admitted."

Turns out my water had broken on Monday. Oops.

An hour later, I'd been hooked up to pitocin and was dilating quickly - a half hour after that I'd had my epidural and was at a 5, and then by 1:00 pm was at an 8. 20 minutes later I was feeling like I needed to push but for some reason waited for another 15 minutes to call the nurse.  I knew I needed to call sooner, but was in denial that this was the finish line and was scared out of my mind. When I couldn't take it anymore and had started shaking uncontrollably I told Jeff we needed to get somebody in there.

As an aside, the epidural was probably the worst part for me. Holding still through contractions was rough, and then when she put the catheter in I felt it hit a nerve that sent a jolt of pain through my leg, but it was super short-lived. It took about 20-30 mins for it to take total. effect, I could feel the contractions wrapping around my back on the right side for a while but once it numbed that side it was pretty amazing.

When the nurse came in, she checked and said, "Oh! You are complete."

She got the room ready and we did a practice push that was very effective - she told me he had hair.
"Another push like that, and I'll call the doctor."

The next one was just like that - two more contractions and she told me I had to stop which was extremely uncomfortable. Thanks to the epidural it wasn't painful, but my body was so uncomfortable and anxious to get the baby out that I had to concentrate really hard through contractions to *not* push, which meant not relaxing, which stressed me out. She kept texting our doctor and then finally called and said, "You need to get in here NOW."

He ran over from the office, threw scrubs on over his clothes and with the next contraction, I pushed and his head came out- then the next push his shoulder came out. "Wait! Dad wants to catch!" The nurse yelled. Jeff had just enough time to throw on some gloves and with the final push Caden was in Jeff's arms. I think I pushed through five contractions total for about 20 minutes - and that time includes the contractions I wasn't allowed to push through. Right before the last push I got an episiotomy and he slid out really easily after that.

The moments after that are a blur - he came out screaming and they laid him on my stomach until Jeff cut the cord. The assessed him and his apgars came in at 8 and 10 - I got to hold him and help clean him for a few minutes before they took him to get wiped off and weighed. For being 3 weeks early, he was a good size - 7 lbs 6 oz which is exactly what I weighed, and he was born at 2:20 in the afternoon which is within minutes of the time Jeff was born. He was 18.5 inches long.

I cried a lot - so relieved that he was there, so happy to finally meet him, and completely overwhelmed with the whirlwind experience of the day. Neither of us thought we'd be admitted, and even more than that I never would have imagined that 4.5 hours after admission we'd be holding our baby.

Meeting him was a little different than I'd imagined - there was definitely a rush of "Oh! That's my baby!" and at the same time, "Is this really my baby?"

We were discharged the next day, but had to go back to get bilirubin levels checked three times. They're finally going down and the doctor has said he is healthy and doesn't require anymore testing!


Jeff was AMAZING through the whole thing. He didn't get grossed out over anything - which is amazing because as a female, I find a lot of things about giving birth gross. He watched them administer the epidural, and watched through pushing updating all the way since I'd requested they not have the mirror. He was so supportive and has been THE cutest daddy to Caden. I always knew he'd be a great dad but he holds Caden as often as he can and has made sure to help with EVERYTHING - if I get up in the middle of the night, he helps change the diapers.

We are so grateful for this sweet little boy of ours and are slowly adjusting to being a family of three.

Preparing for a Baby and other fun things.

Anybody who knows me well knows that I'm a planner. Being prepared is a big deal to me. I'm not particularly flexible so sometimes life's surprises throw me for a big one.

Now, despite the several years it has taken us to get remotely close to parenthood, I've never felt as under-prepared for anything as I do for bringing home a baby. We have to keep it alive and raise it. Me and the hubs had a nice, deep conversation about the latter part of that last night.

ANYWAYS, since I have absolutely zero idea how to prepare mentally, emotionally, or otherwise beyond physically for this, we've done a few things to be as ready as we can think to be before baby makes his arrival.

We have:
- gotten a 2nd car. It looks like this. We were worried about only having one car, and that car being gone most days since Jeff doesn't work close enough for me to drop him off and pick him up every day. He wanted (needed, really, since he's got some hobbies that tear up the Pathfinder but that's another story for another day) a truck but settled on a sedan and has found that he really enjoys a) the gas mileage and b) the actual ride itself. So, score.

 

- Everything washed, ready, set up, and installed. The crib was done weeks ago. The carseat base? That's been in my car for a few weeks too. Clothes are washed and sorted, room is as ready as it will probably be - though there are a few cosmetic touches I've wanted to add that we haven't gotten around to yet. I didn't want to spend a lot of money decorating a room that he would never remember or appreciate, so almost everything in there has been either gifted or DIY'd. 

 The rocking chair was gifted by my sister, the bunny and white blanket were knitted by my mom, the giraffe and elephant pictures were knockoffs of really cute prints I found on Etsy at $9.00/each (which were not being sold at the moment) - so I copied them as best I could and bought the frames for $3.50 each, the quilt I sewed ($35) and don't look at the seams, please, and the mobile is also a knockoff of an Etsy item that sells for $80 that my mom and I made for $23. Jeff's going to make a bookshelf to hang over the lamp on the left side of the room and that will be about it. I would have loved to have a Moroccan pouf and a rug, but again - it's not something he'll remember and I would much rather have the $$ to spoil him with when he gets here.

- have 9 days of breakfasts, lunches, and dinners in the freezer. Here's a few of the recipes we used for dinners:

- Bacon Wrapped Stuffed Jalapeno Popper chicken

- Chicken Parmesan

-  Sloppy Joes

- Skinny Lasagna Rolls 

A few others are recipes I've tweaked to our family's taste over the years - crockpot chicken philly sandwiches, crockpot chicken fajitas (also good over salad), and baked chicken flautas.  One thing that was (halfheartedly) on my mind as I prepped these was that I wanted to be able to start dropping weight, so I  tried to make the meals something that Jeff could eat traditionally, and that I could tweak a little so it wasn't so carb heavy for me.

For breakfasts, I made a box of buttermilk pancakes and froze them, made several fruit/veggie smoothie packs, and also these muffins. There's nothing healthy about these muffins, but they are one of my FAVORITE things to eat. Kind of a "welcome home, sorry your lady bits are tore up" gift to myself.

This week will be 36 weeks, so he can come relatively soon after that and if I'm being honest, come 37 weeks I'll be doing everything I can to help him come a little early. 

We are SO excited to meet this baby boy of ours. He's our biggest dream come true.

31 Weeks Pregnant

Holy smokes. At this rate, only 2 more updates until we have a sweet little baby boy! I can't even believe it.

At 31 weeks, I can't fit really any of my pre-pregnancy clothes. I was hanging on to some shirts but even my loose, baggy plain t's have been pushed to their limits. This means that not only do I spend my life in Jeff's gym shorts, I also live in his t-shirts too. I can't get over how attractive pregnancy has made me.

I have a feeling that he will come a little early. I started having frequent Braxton Hicks contractions at 19 weeks, and while some days are a lot worse than others, I still have several a day and sometimes 7-8 an hour. I'd worry more but my doc has always brushed it off when I bring it up and since he hasn't come yet, we're probably fine. I hope. In any case, I've been taking it really easy this whole pregnancy especially since I've noticed that walking around and even easy working out makes them worse. So I'm a little chunkier than I'd like to be and that part has been hard, but it's 110% worth it for this little baby of ours.

We finally decided on a (first name) - he will be Caden, called Cade. We haven't settled on a middle name as of yet. He might not have one. I don't know.

MISS ANYTHING: Being able to bend over and do a good job shaving my legs. TMI? Too bad.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Diet coke. As per usual, I can *always* go for a good taco.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nope.

WEIGHT GAIN: I can't even talk about it.

STRETCH MARKS: Still none yet. I'm hoping this champ skin of mine holds on for the long haul.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy with a side of moody. I'm still in awe of the fact that there is a tiny human growing in my belly. Moody sometimes because I haven't slept much in 3 weeks and that's getting the best of me.

SYMPTOMS: So this is weird, but I've noticed all my joints are getting loose. In the morning, my fingers are so sore and loose that they try to dislocate even for simple, easy things like pulling on a pair of pants. It's crazy weird. I've started noticing all kinds of random aches and pains that I'm sure are par for the course. #thingstheydon'ttellyouaboutpregnancy

AND A NEW ONE: Weird and/or inappropriate comments made by friends, family, and strangers. I'm a pretty hard person to offend, so honestly pretty much all of this has just cracked me up. You always hear about the weird things people say to pregnant folks and it's actually true.

From a stranger old lady: "How much weight have you gained?" The worst part was I actually answered with the correct number. Not that she was able to compare it with what I looked like before hand. Because, like I said... she was a stranger.

From the cashier at the grocery store: "How much longer til you're due?" "2 months." "Yeah... you look like you're about done.

  LOOKING FORWARD TO: Making our final haul of baby items next week! Carseat, etc. It'll be so weird to have our nursery completely set up and (for the most part) all the baby supplies (we think) we need ready to go.

(Almost) 27 weeks with Baby Boy G

Tomorrow makes 27 weeks with baby boy! I'm conflicted on whether or not it's 3rd trimester as some sources say it's 27 weeks and others say 28, but for sanity reasons I'm going to go ahead and believe that 27 weeks is TOTALLY 3rd trimester.

So there's my belly. It's finally popped and I've definitely gained plenty of weight. I've indulged a little too much and have made a goal to avoid ice cream for the next 13 weeks.

My mom has been making our little boy the CUTEST things - the most recent is this Utes sweater and hat that will be super appropriate as he'll be here right smack in the middle of football season :).

MISS ANYTHING: Having more clothes to wear, haha. I haven't wanted to spend a lot on maternity items because I'm pretty sure I'll need new clothes after the baby comes, too.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Not really. I'm kind of off Mexican as spicy food gives me heartburn now. Last night I was up til 2:00 trying not to refund my dinner, and it wasn't even spicy.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nope. Not even a little.

WEIGHT GAIN: 25 lbs. WUT.

STRETCH MARKS: Not yet!

HAPPY OR MOODY: Pretty happy. I love feeling this little guy moving around throughout the day and getting to know his personality. 

SYMPTOMS: Heatburn, weightgain, insomnia, and that's about it. I've had a really easy pregnancy. Still a few Braxton Hicks here and there, but nothing like a few weeks ago.

 

  LOOKING FORWARD TO: The 30 week mark! It's all starting to feel real and I'm a little overwhelmed at how much is left to do. We've got a lot of shopping we're planning on doing coming up, and I think it will be so fun to have more baby items scattered throughout the house.

It's a....

BOY!

We are so thrilled to finally know what we are having and it has increased our level of excitement 100%.

On Tuesday we went in for our anatomy scan and our office does that in two parts - the ultrasound tech takes pictures and measurements, does not discuss them with you, but does tell you the gender. We were probably in there for about 30 minutes and our ultrasound tech kept referring to baby as "he" though she hadn't told us what he was. I finally asked, "So.... we're having a boy?!" She said "Oh! That's just what I call every baby. Let's take a look. Sure enough... it's *definitely* a boy! She came back to it a little while later and said, "Yeah, so there's his hands, grabbing it.. .they start early... it's definitely a little boy!"

We had made a bet on the way into the office on what it would be: I bet boy, I've thought boy since I saw the embryo and Jeff said girl. I'm proud to put that down on my tally sheet 'cause I've just had great luck betting things over the last couple weeks.

We went out to dinner to celebrate and then when we got home, my paranoia took over and I started googling "ultrasound abnormalities" and trying to figure out if there was anything that looked amiss. I didn't know it but in the other room, Jeff was doing the same thing! We sat down and Jeff said that according to his limited infant development training, he didn't see anything that would indicate a reason for concern - the heart was formed properly and had the correct number of chambers, the kidneys looked good, the bone structure (which is more his speed) all looked good. So we took a deep breath and then started discussing names. We've got a shortlist that includes 3 so far and I'm sure we'll add a couple before we make a final decision.

On Thursday, we went back for our recap and the doctor reviewed the measurements. He said we have a perfectly healthy baby who's measuring well and weight is good, and he didn't see anything that worried him or would necessitate a follow up or in-depth scan so we were THRILLED.

Ultrasound pictures of our little boy cover our fridge and it's so cute to see Jeff walk into the kitchen and flip through them. He's already so proud and he's not even here yet. He'll say things like, "Look at his perfect little feet!" Melt my heart. Watching my husband growing into a daddy is the most awesome thing and he's already shifted seriously into that role.

20 weeks pregnant with Baby G

So I guess we'll just update this blog every 5 weeks. Hah. Which means, only four more updates until we have Baby G!

Pictured above: me feeling like a good wife after getting dressed up for date night because I now have MATERNITY PANTS! This means I can wear regular outfits instead of the same four dresses and 2 pairs of gym shorts I've been wearing non-stop for the last 8 weeks.

Please note: most days I don't wear pants except for maybe an hour or so when Jeff gets home so he doesn't think I'm a total slob but I really just hate wearing clothes right now.

Feeling tons of movement, typically in the afternoon and evenings, sometimes late morning. Baby G seems to get real happy right after dinner and that's usually when Jeff is able to feel him (I'm calling it him because that's what I think it is).  We find out on Tuesday (!!!!!) whether it's a he or a she and I might actually write a special blog post juuuust for that.

In the meantime, I'm loving, loving, loving being pregnant this week. I'm always grateful to be pregnant but I've felt a lot better than I have in a while despite having a cold. For the past several weeks I've had some pretty rough SI joint pain that made it hard and super not fun to do things like sit, walk, bend over, etc. It was not awesome. However, this cold was a blessing in disguise on that front. Due to not being able to breathe, I slept in the recliner for two nights and I don't know what happened, but that position caused my SI joint to slide back into place. When getting up in the morning didn't take 3 minutes just to figure out which leg to lift first, I knew we were golden. THANK GOODNESS FOR COLDS.

MISS ANYTHING: No.

FOOD CRAVINGS:No, just hungry a lot. As per usual I will not refuse good Mexican. Or really any Mexican. I like my food spicy but I think I've always liked it spicy.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nope. Not even a little.

WEIGHT GAIN: 12 lbs.

STRETCH MARKS: Nope.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Very happy! Feeling baby moving around is the greatest. I'm already sad/happy when I think about the day I'll get to hold our baby in my arms but not be able to feel it moving in my belly. I am terrified and also grateful that right now I have the ability to do everything I can to shield our baby from physical harm and it's going to be an adjustment to not have that built-in capability once it's here. I can't wait to stop calling it and "it", by the way.

SYMPTOMS: Not really any this week! I had a lot of Braxton Hicks contractions after our family campout this week which I think was due to being pretty active and not staying hydrated well enough, but after a few days of rest and a lot of fluids they went away. I've had a strong feeling to be cautious physically since the very beginning of this pregnancy and I have for the most part been very good. Some women can stay active and run half marathons while pregnant, but I really do feel my body is pretty sensitive to that and even though I like to think I was in decent shape before conceiving, right now it's main priority is to grow this little baby of ours.

 LOOKING FORWARD TO: Gender ultrasound!!!

"Chosen and Trusted" to be a mother.

Something has been on my heart for a while and since pretty much no one reads this blog, and I don't post it to social media often in an attempt to be sensitive to those who are in the middle of their infertility struggle, I'm going to write it here.

Along the three years we dealt with infertility, throughout the countless doctors appointments, tears, and hard days at church (yes, going to church in an extremely family-centered environment is really taxing when you can't seem to put together a family of your own) I developed an intense dislike for phrases often shared by "blessed" young mothers who knew nothing of the struggle to bring a child into their home.

I can say that.

Hearing, repeatedly, out of the mouths of such fertile women that they were "so grateful that God chose them to be a mother" or "so grateful that they were trusted to care for children" is an unintentional knife to the heart of any woman who can't do so on a whim just because they want to.

It conjures feelings like this: "So you feel like just because you had sex once and got pregnant that God chose you over people like me?" "Do you really feel like God trusts you over me?" "Do you really think you are that much more righteous than me that you were "chosen" and "trusted"?" "Wait - maybe you are - is there a reason I haven't been "chosen" or "trusted"?"

Well, maybe the simple explanation is that they have been "chosen and trusted" to go through a different trial.

I have always had a silent (and now not-so-silent) resolve that phrases in any similitude to those will never be a part of my vocabulary.

Instead, I will express what I'm sure will be nearly identical heart-felt gratitude like this: "I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother."

"I'm so grateful to have the chance to care for this child."

"I'm grateful for what I've learned on my path to motherhood."

Because there is no one who is *not* chosen to be a mother. Whether children come to your home through foster care, adoption, a lot of help from science or even the old fashioned way, anyone can be a mother. There is a way.

To all my friends and loved ones right in the middle of this battle, you are chosen. You are trusted. You are chosen and trusted to go through this struggle because He knew you could do it. He knew you would make it to the other side, however that looks.

I am prepared to deal with this struggle each time we feel we are ready to add another child to our family. We know we will be lucky to have two children. We know we are incredibly blessed and grateful to have the opportunity with the one that is currently growing in my belly.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say. I felt a little guilty writing this because it felt wrong to express out loud, although goodness knows my mom took enough tearful phone calls where I said the same thing in a much more colorful way. But sometimes, even the hard stuff needs to be said.

15 Weeks Pregnant

 

15 weeks and moving right along! I'm counting down these next 5 weeks until we can find out what it is. I wake up with a relatively flat stomach in the AM but it fills out a little as the days go on. I think I can feel little movements, which translate into more twingy, odd crampy sensations but I could be totally fooling myself so I'm trying not to read too much into anything until I can say for certain that I *know* they are baby movements.

MISS ANYTHING: Nope.

FOOD CRAVINGS: No more cravings, I'm off the Mexican bandwagon. I'm hungry - like punch a man hungry- every 3 hours so I try to eat several smaller meals through the day.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nope. Not even a little.

WEIGHT GAIN: 7 lbs. I've gotta slow this down.

STRETCH MARKS: Nope.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy to be in the 2nd trimester! I feel more at ease than I did through the first trimester but am looking forward to more milestones - definitive kicks, gender ultrasound (we both think it's a boy), and 24 weeks for a first viability checkpoint.

SYMPTOMS: 

•   Gaining weight
• Peeing all. the. time.
• Pregnant boobs, which are awesome.

 LOOKING FORWARD TO: Kicks! And gender ultrasound. If we're being honest it will probably be at least another 5 weeks til I post again.

8 weeks pregnant

pic on the right: 5 day old embryo- pic on the left: 8 week baby!

#worthit. This week's appointment was AWESOME. I don't know how well you can see but the sac is rounding out and all the mass is is a fibroid tumor! Which are NOT uncommon. Baby is measuring right at 8 weeks 1 day, heartbeat was beautiful at 156 bpm, and doctor said it's looking great. We were discharged from his care and though we are so happy to be at this point, it was a sad thing to say goodbye to him and his sweet MA since they've been such a big part of our lives for the past three months and have helped us make our biggest dream come true. From panicked phone calls full of obsessive questions to handling my drugged out self for retrieval and transfer, they've been so patient and we always felt 100% confident in his judgement. How do you say "thank you" for that?

Maybe repeat business. He promised he would be around in a couple years when we're ready to go at it again.

Maybe that picture up there is cheesy. Maybe not. To me it represents a lot of effort and dedication to bring a little baby to our family.

MISS ANYTHING: Nope.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Up until yesterday it was tacos and spicy food. Then I went to TacoTime and had Nachos that made me queasy for the rest of the day. Now when I think about tacos I feel a little puke in the back of my throat.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nachos, I guess. The smell of meat cooking. Waiting too long between snacks.

WEIGHT GAIN: Still haven't been able to get on the scale.

STRETCH MARKS:Nope.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy. This week's appointment was just what I needed.

SYMPTOMS: 

•  Sore boobs
• bloating
• twinges
• a little queasy sometimes
• hungry

 LOOKING FORWARD TO: Bloat going away and getting a legit bump. I've been using the hairtie trick for weeks now and if I can help it, I don't wear pants. #notsorry

7 weeks pregnant

I went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days yesterday.

Long story short - baby looks good, heartbeat looks good, but my uterus is growing funny and is squishing the gestational sac, right where the baby is growing.

It looks like this:

 

Baby is down there, that whitish thing at the bottom.

We have a small thing to worry about, and that is the kind of pinching which is making the sac elongated, as pictured. What you maybe can't see is how thick the uterine wall is one the left side of that picture. The doctor says he's not sure what it is, it may be a vascular overgrowth that will work itself out, especially since we didn't see it last week and he never saw it before. So, he said we have a "greater than 60% chance of keeping, but less than 90%".

These are good odds. However, I was devastated. What most normal,healthy pregnancies hear at an appointment at this time is "Everything looks great! You have a 5% chance or less of losing."

He advised cancelling some upcoming work trips because the added stress would not be helpful and "if you miscarry, it won't be fun to do that in a hotel room." Truth.

It felt so unfair to hear that and if we're being completely honest, I spent most of the day an inconsolable wreck, shoving icecream down my throat (not ashamed). We have given *everything* to this shot at being parents - and several other tries over the last 3 years. I'm spent. 

I knew I needed to ask for a blessing the minute we left the doctor's office, but I was too angry and upset to be in a place to be receptive to whatever might be said so I waited until that evening when I was. I'm so grateful to have a priesthood holder in my house. I know that no matter what happens, we will be okay. 

We go back next week for another ultrasound to see how things are progressing and hopefully see some shrinkage in the growth on that left side.

Prayers are always appreciated. Will update when we know more.

BUT: for today, I'm pregnant and there's a little baby with a heartbeat in there. That's pretty cool.

1st Ultrasound and 5 weeks pregnant

For IVF pregnancies, they like to see you fairly early on to confirm the pregnancy via ultrasound and make sure it's not ectopic. I've been looking forward to this ultrasound for 9 days and praying every day that it would go well.

And... it did! We saw the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and the fetal pole, and were dated right on time at 5 weeks 4 days. We'll go back next week at 6w7d to confirm the heartbeat before they release us to our OB.

MISS ANYTHING: Nope.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Soup. I have had at least one serving of soup every day for almost 2 and a half weeks. It's all I want to eat.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: I get a tiny bit queasy if I go longer than 2 hours without eating.

WEIGHT GAIN: Haven't bothered to step on the scale, but have been cleared to start exercising again!

STRETCH MARKS:It's too early for that business.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy. I still can't believe this is real.

SYMPTOMS: 

• Sore stomach muscles (weird?)
• Night cramping
• Thirsty
• Tired

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Our ultrasound next week! I'm so happy that Jeff is off that week and he'll be able to be there for the heartbeat.

How I found out + 4 weeks pregnant

I'm journaling EVERYTHING.

A week and a half ago we went to look at houses. At that point, we were 4 days past 5 day transfer and had agreed that I would start testing the next day.

As soon as we were done, I ran to the grocery store to buy a 3 pack of FRER (the gold standard of pregnancy tests, if you will) and held out as long as I could til we got home. I waited the full 3 minutes, sad that something didn't pop up immediately.

And then it was there. The *faintest* of faint lines.

I promise it's there. - barely. I told Jeff and he was very hesitant to believe anything. "It's probably just the trigger."

Crap. It probably was. I called the pharmacist at 9:00 that night and the ensuing conversation was that yes, the amount of trigger I had taken technically should have been out of my system (I was 11 days past trigger) but a false positive wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility. So with that, I decided to test the next morning, and then the morning after that. If they kept getting darker, it was real.

The next picture is Sunday morning, the next day, and then Monday. Jeff still didn't believe the Sunda morning one. "Of course it's going to be darker because your urine is more concentrated in the morning."

Fine.

There was no denying on Monday. I put the test and a little note that said, "You're gonna be a Daddy!" In the bathroom for him to see. He was slightly optimistic. Slightly.

One of the things that tipped if off to me (I think) was the cramping I had from about 2 days past transfer onward, plus the off-and-on burning feeling. I've never had a UTI but I'd imagine that's what it felt like. Also, I was so. thirsty. I chalked that up to having been on a high sodium diet since retrieval to stave off hyperstimulation.

So far, I've just had a couple of really tired days, and I wake up crampy at night every night a couple of times.

Beta was confirmed this Saturday at 11 days past 5 day transfer and it was 560.3!

We're very excited. To finally see 2 pink lines and know we have made it to pregnancy after trying for so long is surreal. I overanalyze everything and get through it by telling myself that Heavenly Father has carried us this far, He has made all this possible, and it is in His hands for the duration.

For your viewing pleasure - top photo is my "ovary baby" from right in the thick of stimming (I was SO bloated) and bottom is how not pregnant I looked at four weeks. I'm 4 weeks 6 days today.

Surviving IVF

Since we made it through an IVF cycle, I figured I'd share what has been keeping me (and my husband sane) in the various aspects of IVF.



YOUR MEDS:
The meds were probably the easiest part for me this go-round (weird, since normally I get awful headaches and turn into some kind of raging hormonal witch from you know where. As an individual who doesn't often have to DEAL with naturally occurring hormones, having massive levels thrown at you all at once can shake your world).

• Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you are putting your body through a stressful and sometimes difficult regiment. Everything will be affected - your ability to think, your energy, the way you feel physically. It will probably come with some degree of pain. Just take it easy, do something each day that relaxes you, and try to keep your mind off of anything other than the aches and pains that go along with it. The thing I most looked forward to was a hot shower in the morning. For whatever reason, it's been extremely helpful with recovering from PIO shots, easing cramps and sore ovaries, etc. 
•  Find a way to keep track of your differing doses. I made myself an IVF book where I outlined the dates, and on each date I had an appt I would write in the appt time, the type of appt, the medications I needed to take, and the doses. This way if I ever got confused all I had to do was reference my little book. I'd take it with to doctors appointments, too.
• For peace of mind, take your meds at the same time every day. Some doctors tell you that a two hour window is fine. If we were out and about, I would go to the later end of that window, but for the most part, I did shots at 8:30 at night. When they told me to trigger at 10:30, the needle went into my skin at *exactly* 10:30.
• Check your dosing multiple times. I am the kind that will think about it 30 minutes after the fact and wonder "Did I mess up my shots?!". To counteract that, I would draw up the syringe, check the amount, get all the air bubbles out, check the amount again, and then, after prepping my skin, check the amount for a third time. I would also double check which vial I was drawing from about 3 times, too. At the very least, I could have peace of mind that yes, I did in fact give myself the correct dosage even if it took fifteen minutes to administer 2-3 shots.

YOUR DR's APPTS:

If at all possible, find a Dr. that has WIFI and short appointment times. I realize - please, believe me - that your options can be quite limited when you live in a smaller town, but do your due diligence and find an office that will work for you. When we lived in Lubbock, we had 2 choices for REs. The first one was horrific with long wait times every.single.day. At least an hour before even being called back. To me, that was unacceptable - how was I supposed to make that work when I had a fulltime job? The next one was marginally better, but still had the occasional wait time longer than 45 minutes with no wifi. Mind, I didn't want the Wifi to entertain myself - I wanted to be able to work. The RE office here in Utah rarely had a wait time longer than five minutes and if they did, they had Wifi and a computer available. I felt 100% comfortable going to every appointment because I knew I could keep on top of work and even if it took longer than an hour round trip (which it almost NEVER did) I wouldn't be behind on work when I got home. My husband appreciated the Wifi too, as it allowed him to use his phone and stay entertained during the longer appointments.

YOUR MARRIAGE

This is probably the biggest one of all. Before starting fertility treatments, I had no idea exactly how much it would affect our marriage.

• It will affect your finances. It just will. Unless you are one of the fortunate few who have treatments covered by insurance, be prepared for it to hurt a little bit. We had to save before we started each treatment and consciously make the decision that it was important enough to both of us to affect our finances. More on that later.
•  You're going to want to talk about it all.the.time. It's going to be on your mind 24/7 because it affects pretty much every part of your life - you are the one having to finagle all the doctors appointments in addition to whatever else you have going on in your life, you are the one getting shot up with medication, you are the one feeling the effects of that medication. Newsflash: your partner has a different view. He understands what is going on, but he also has a higher level view and understands there are still 57 other normal things going on in your life. He will not want to hear about your lady parts 24/7. Find other things to talk about.
• Stay close. Have fun. Go on dates. Be a couple.
• It's gonna affect your sex life. It just is. Depending on your protocol, it's going to throw a massive wrench into what you're able to do, and when. Be sensitive to your partner. (Sorry you had to read that, mom).

YOUR FINANCES

This is such a subjective thing (as is most of fertility treatment) but here is what we found that helped minimize the financial stress for us.

• Save for it up front. Once you know what kind of treatment you're looking at (and get an idea before you even go into a consult what your insurance will and won't cover), save up for it up front. That way, when the money is spent, even if you get a negative result you're not left paying on something that didn't work out. We did that for both of our IUI cycles and it felt so good to be able to just forget that cycle and move on. Granted, we have been 6-7 months between each treatment cycle, but we were willing to do that to take care of the finances. We may have been more aggressive if we had felt "right" about either of the REs.
• Forget about the money after you write the check. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Yeah, you're going to notice that your bank account decreased dramatically. Write that check and don't think about it again.

The Blessing of Infertility

This is not a post I'm going to share on social media, it's more so that I can remember the blessings of this 3 year trial we've been dealing with in the future.

A year and a half ago, I was bitter. So, so bitter. Why on earth would such a righteous desire be withheld from me? Why would I be sent to earth without a functioning body? What would my place be if it wasn't to be a mother? Why couldn't I give my husband children? Why, why, why.

It was a very, very tearful first 1.5 years.

And then we started treatment.

And there were more. Tears from hormones, tears for having to send husband to go give samples, tears for wondering why what is supposed to be a beautiful and intimate and private event was suddenly invaded by doctors and nurses and strangers asking questions they *had* to ask that nobody wants to answer.

And then there were tears for cancelled (expensive) treatment cycle after cancelled treatment cycles.

But something happened last year. Last summer, when we cancelled our last IUI attempt and were told IVF was the way for us to go, there were no more tears.

Just resolve.

We had an opportunity to unite, as a couple, in a way most (I wish it were fewer, I know so many beautiful, strong couples facing this same struggle) couples don't. While yes- Jeff learned way, way, way more about his wife's insides than he probably EVER wanted to, he got to learn the ins and outs of what actually makes a baby. It caused us to re-evaluate certain aspects of our lives and see what we could do to become healthier. We had to mutually decide that yes, this was worth investing several thousand dollars in and work hard to sacrifice and save so we could try this. We got to go to doctors appts together. We got to pray together, dream together, and encourage each other. It gave us extra opportunities to respect and love each other for the lengths we were willing to go to do our very best to have a family. That's pretty special.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel we've turned a corner. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. And I'm glad I got to learn that.

2/23: Embryo Transfer Complete

Today was the big day! We went in to have one or two embryos transferred, but we weren't sure what to do until the doctor sat down with us.

Out of 11, we had 2 good quality blastocysts, with one lagging a little behind to potentially bring it up to 3.

That felt like a blow to the stomach, but I chose not to think about it til after the transfer.

They gave us "post-op" instructions ( I feel weird calling it post op but we did go into a sterile room and made us gown up and wear hair nets and booties and masks) and handed me a valium to relax and off we went.

I wish we had taken pictures but I didn't have the presence of mind to ask. The embryologist came in and visited with us, explained the grading system and on a scale of 1-6, the one we transferred was a 4AB. So on the better side of good - she said they look for anything from 3-5, and rarely see a 6. We opted to freeze our other embryo and they will look tomorrow to see if the lagging one caught up to a viable stage.

The process itself was really quick - they do an ultrasound to make sure everything looks good, prep you, and then you watch the embryologist on screen suck up your little embryo into a tube and then watch on the screen as it gets transferred home!

Here's a picture of the cute little embryo that I'm currently carrying. Please pray that it sticks around!

And... that's it! It's strange to think that an entire month and a half of prepping, doctors visits, medicine, and excitement has already finished.

Day 3 Embryo Update

Yesterday, we found out we still had 11 embryos growing away. 6 were of good quality, 5 were of fair. When I asked the nurse (?) who called if we should expect the fair embryos to arrest, she said, "Not necessarily. Some of them may catch up."

The scale goes from Excellent, Good, Fair, and Poor - it's a little frustrating to not have more information than that and many fertility clinics have scales that vary by location. I'm looking forward to finding out more about the grading tomorrow when they're a little more developed!

So we're crossing everything and praying hard that we have at least 6 viable embryos tomorrow...

Tomorrow is transfer day!

Next Day Fertilization Report

OF the 17 retrieved eggs, 13 were mature (only mature eggs can be fertilized).

OF those 13, all were attempted to be inseminated using ICSI.

11 of those 13 fertilized normally.

1 fertilized abnormally, which means it will arrest.

1 egg fell apart while they tried to inseminate.

As of right now, we have 11 embryos growing away. Our next update is Sunday and I can hardly stand it. It's going to be a long two days.

So grateful.