Something has been on my heart for a while and since pretty much no one reads this blog, and I don't post it to social media often in an attempt to be sensitive to those who are in the middle of their infertility struggle, I'm going to write it here.
Along the three years we dealt with infertility, throughout the countless doctors appointments, tears, and hard days at church (yes, going to church in an extremely family-centered environment is really taxing when you can't seem to put together a family of your own) I developed an intense dislike for phrases often shared by "blessed" young mothers who knew nothing of the struggle to bring a child into their home.
I can say that.
Hearing, repeatedly, out of the mouths of such fertile women that they were "so grateful that God chose them to be a mother" or "so grateful that they were trusted to care for children" is an unintentional knife to the heart of any woman who can't do so on a whim just because they want to.
It conjures feelings like this: "So you feel like just because you had sex once and got pregnant that God chose you over people like me?" "Do you really feel like God trusts you over me?" "Do you really think you are that much more righteous than me that you were "chosen" and "trusted"?" "Wait - maybe you are - is there a reason I haven't been "chosen" or "trusted"?"
Well, maybe the simple explanation is that they have been "chosen and trusted" to go through a different trial.
I have always had a silent (and now not-so-silent) resolve that phrases in any similitude to those will never be a part of my vocabulary.
Instead, I will express what I'm sure will be nearly identical heart-felt gratitude like this: "I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother."
"I'm so grateful to have the chance to care for this child."
"I'm grateful for what I've learned on my path to motherhood."
Because there is no one who is *not* chosen to be a mother. Whether children come to your home through foster care, adoption, a lot of help from science or even the old fashioned way, anyone can be a mother. There is a way.
To all my friends and loved ones right in the middle of this battle, you are chosen. You are trusted. You are chosen and trusted to go through this struggle because He knew you could do it. He knew you would make it to the other side, however that looks.
I am prepared to deal with this struggle each time we feel we are ready to add another child to our family. We know we will be lucky to have two children. We know we are incredibly blessed and grateful to have the opportunity with the one that is currently growing in my belly.
That's pretty much all I wanted to say. I felt a little guilty writing this because it felt wrong to express out loud, although goodness knows my mom took enough tearful phone calls where I said the same thing in a much more colorful way. But sometimes, even the hard stuff needs to be said.
Friday, May 27, 2016
Friday, May 20, 2016
15 Weeks Pregnant
15 weeks and moving right along! I'm counting down these next 5 weeks until we can find out what it is. I wake up with a relatively flat stomach in the AM but it fills out a little as the days go on. I think I can feel little movements, which translate into more twingy, odd crampy sensations but I could be totally fooling myself so I'm trying not to read too much into anything until I can say for certain that I *know* they are baby movements.
MISS ANYTHING: Nope.
FOOD CRAVINGS:
No more cravings, I'm off the Mexican bandwagon. I'm hungry - like punch a man hungry- every 3 hours so I try to eat several smaller meals through the day.
ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nope. Not even a little.
WEIGHT GAIN: 7 lbs. I've gotta slow this down.
STRETCH MARKS: Nope.
HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy to be in the 2nd trimester! I feel more at ease than I did through the first trimester but am looking forward to more milestones - definitive kicks, gender ultrasound (we both think it's a boy), and 24 weeks for a first viability checkpoint.
SYMPTOMS:
- Gaining weight
- Peeing all. the. time.
- Pregnant boobs, which are awesome.
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