Go Ahead and Get Your Judging Pants On

Today was my son's 12 month well visit. "Well" in the sense that it was scheduled to check his height (70%) and weight (70%) and all that stuff but also ironic in that we walked out with a script for an ear infection, poor kid.

During this visit, I had what I had anticipated would be an all-out battle of a conversation with his pediatrician regarding shots.

SPOILER: My mom gut freaked out at 6 months and told me in no uncertain terms that Cade was not to have anymore shots.

SPOILER #2: It was a really pleasant, positive conversation that just made me love his doctor.

As a 25-yr militant member of the "VACCINATE EVERYONE FOR EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME" club, this was a shock to my brain and spurred months of research on both sides of the aisle for two reasons.

1) I wanted to pinpoint exactly what my fear was, what I anticipated Cade's issue being, and weight the pros and cons.
2) I wanted to assuage that fear, because VACCINATE EVERYONE.

What I found just made me more and more uneasy, I have an idea of what Cade may have experienced, and my fear was fueled.

So at least for this child of mine, there won't be any.

The doctor asked if I'd like to discuss why I was opting out of future vaccinations, and I laid that previous information down for him followed by, "Trust me, man. It freaks even me out because like I said - I used to be that person who would argue with moms on the internet who chose not to vaccinate their kids, call them stupid, and then walk away feeling morally superior."

"You know there's better ways to feel morally superior, right?" He said.

I realize this was his good-humored attempt at participating in the de-escalation of a potentially scary moment for me as I was asserting my newly-arrived mama bear and I appreciate it.

He continued with, "You know, I'm a huge believer in parent instinct. I've had several experiences where moms have come in demanding that I test for crazy diseases and I've told them they are wrong - only to do the testing and it turns out they were absolutely right. So there's a lot to be said for Mom Gut and I don't question it. I would hate to give him a shot and have him experience something adverse and then go, "Oh, yeah, that's probably why we shouldn't have done that." And I honestly believe you're doing what you think is best for your child, however, in the outbreak of an MMR illness I would strongly recommend that you reconsider that single vaccine."

And that was it.

So, yeah. Judge me, I don't care - I believe that vaccines have saved a lot of lives and work perfectly well for so many people. I also believe that there have been an unrecorded number of vaccine-related life altering changes and illness in kids, and a whole host of things that still need to be tested, and I just CAN'T give my kid vaccines. At least not right now. So judge me on that front, and also feel free to judge my previously judgy nature.

Just kidding. I still judge people. So maybe judge me for that.

What is motherhood, really?

As the first year of my son's life is rapidly turning into the start of his second, I've been reflecting a lot on what it was that I had "thought" motherhood was. When you're waiting to have kids, you feel an intense and all-encompassing yearning for something you haven't experienced but feel so deeply in your bones that you need. How is that possible? How do you "miss" something you haven't had?

I've tried to remember how I used to define motherhood and it blows my own mind how far off I was.

Let me explain.

I think it's something akin to nostalgia- where you can truly only have a hazy, sweet glimpse of something. Of course, I pictured the sweet new baby snuggles, the nighttime waking, the first steps and the adorable mini soccer games. I pictured clapping as he took his first steps, proudly showing him off wherever I went, holidays FINALLY holding some extra excitement again. I pictured family vacations, feeling like I "fit in" at church, identifying so hard as a "mom".

But it's all the things I couldn't possibly have anticipated that is the essence of motherhood.

It's the walking-out-of-the-hospital and climbing into your car with your brand-new baby, all of a sudden panicking that your postpartum nurse Violate is standing at the door waving goodbye and not climbing in the car with you.

It's standing over that same baby watching him breathe for 15 minutes, and then calling your mom to make sure his breath patterns are normal.

It's trying so hard to be brave when you feel anything but, because you need your baby to know it's okay (I'm looking at you, circumcision).

It's so, so, so many more night wakings than you could have counted and being ridiculously desperate for some sleep, but holding on and cuddling a few minutes longer because you can actually see him growing and changing. You can feel more brain cells dying with each moment that you should be sleeping, but those cuddles, man. They're worth more than anything.

It's realizing how self-righteous and just plain WRONG you were about everything you thought you'd never do before having kids.

It's making naptime a sacred event, one that if interrupted, sends you into a genuine rage at the offending party.

It's the unexpected mama bear that comes roaring out of your mouth when someone commits a seemingly innocuous offense, such as not using hand sanitizer before holding your baby. Like you will really wonder where that has been hiding all your life.

It's feeling around behind you while driving down the road, to make sure your baby's head hasn't flopped forward in the carseat.

It's being incredibly proud and profoundly heartbroken with each milestone and achievement - holding his head up on his own, shaking a rattle, sitting up, shutting that door that pops open on his toy.

It's laundry. So much laundry.

It's questioning every parenting decision you ever make and constantly wondering if it was the right one.

It's never wanting to leave that baby with ANYONE because nobody could possibly love him and care for him and understand him like you - and feeling terrible when you do.

It's setting up a sleepover in the living room because your baby is sick, and he needs you, and you don't know what else to do.

It's doing more during a 1.5 hour period of sleeping child than almost seems humanly possible.

It's making silly noises and dancing like an idiot JUST to get a laugh and a smile.

It's looking inside yourself and trying to figure out what YOU need to improve so that your child can be a better person than you.

It's begging for the rarest and sloppiest open-mouth kiss in the world.

It's the anxiety for somebody else's well being that can send you in to a full-on panic attack.

It's getting in bed at the end of the day, and then getting out of bed 5 more times to make sure he's warm and okay in his crib. And then maybe you'll do it a few more times just for good measure.


This is motherhood. This beautiful, messy, scary, incredible thing.

Efficiency and How I Use It

DISCLAIMER:
I don't want to hear anything along the lines of, "Girl, if you think life is hard now just wait til ______." Seriously. I don't.

Moving on.

I have felt like a pretty hollow shell of my former self since Cade stopped sleeping through the night at 6 months and the past few weeks I have been pretty desperate to climb out of survival mode and feel like I'm doing well at wearing my different hats. I've done my best to make adjustments where possible to maximize my time and impact with each and yet most days I just don't feel like it's enough.

To mitigate this, I've gone on an all-out quest to find ways to make life simpler and make the absolute most of each minute. The best way I can explain how my head works is that it's a very busy place - I'm ALWAYS thinking about what I need to be doing, what comes next, what I could have done better on what I was doing 5 minutes ago. I swear I spend more time analyzing than doing and that's something I'm trying to change.

ANYWAYS.

Here's a few things I've found that have helped me feel a little better about momming and wifeing and working and schooling(sometimes) and churching. And I hope it's helpful to someone else- and if you have judgement-free tips, please send them my way.

1) Never leave a room empty handed. When there's a kid crying, it's almost like nothing else exists and I stop what I'm doing and run right to Cade. I've learned that he can wait a sec- and I can finish what I'm doing. If I'm downstairs and he wakes up from his nap, on my way up to get him I'll grab a pile of folded laundry and bring it up with me. If it's time to make lunch, I'll grab Cade, the dirty clothes hamper or soap to refill the pump and head downstairs. For some reason, getting rid of extra trips to different levels of the house has been crazy helpful.

2) Clean while he eats. Each morning, I make/give Cade breakfast - which he probably won't eat - and do the dishes and fold laundry while he's keeping himself busy feeding the dog (just keeping it real). This way, I start the day with a clean main level and the whole house feels so much better.

3) Shower at night - I'm iffy on this one, because I prefer to start the day with a shower, but it really makes a difference on hairwash days - this way I can just curl or whatever in the morning rather than spend a half hour blow-drying (which I won't do, again, just being real).

4) Dry shampoo - I was frumpy - and still am sometimes - simply due to the fact that I have an actual crapton of hair and it takes FOREVER to curl or straighten it. So I invested in dry shampoo and now regularly go 3-4 days between washes and the result has been that I don't look like an old hag 7 days a week.

5) Making extra or making ahead. I have been doing some research lately about additives, preservatives, and other chemicals in our food and it has made me ridiculously skeptical about everything we eat. At the very least, I try to buy non-gmo (WHICH I KNOW DOESN'T TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING) and buy organic when it makes the most sense. I also try to make from scratch everything that isn't a vegetable or meat - so sauces, breads, buns, desserts, etc to keep those things at a minimum. I've started doubling batches of things - rolls, hoagie buns, tortillas, etc - and freezing so that the next time I need them I can just pull a bag out of the freezer. Today, while Cade was playing in the kitchen and feeding the dog grilled cheese, I prepped/cooked 4 different meals so that the rest of the week isn't so hectic.

6) Multi-task in weird ways. I have a leg/butt routine that I do when I'm putting on my makeup, brushing my teeth, or cooking. Mostly squats, leg lifts, calf raises, and a few barre exercises. It's obviously not a high-impact workout, but it's something, and it helps me feel a little better about myself. I don't fit back into my pre-preg pants or anything, but my legs are somewhat toned.

7) Work on my own hours. I do try really hard to make myself available during bankers hours, but the reality is that Cade is almost always awake, he is my first priority, and does require a lot of attention right now. If he naps, I'll work, but other than that, I get my very best and most thorough work done between the hours of 7:30 and 10 at night when Jeff is here to keep him busy.

8) Make naptime sacred. I do whatever I need to do to get Cade down for a nap - we usually try to get out of the house and go to the park in the mornings, or run errands to keep him stimulated. We play, play, play, and then by naptime, he's pretty tuckered. If he's not going down easy, I will absolutely put him in the car and go for a 15 minute drive and hope for a successful car-to-crib transfer. These usually result in his best and longest naps. So, DO WHAT YOU GOTTA FOR NAPTIME