7 weeks pregnant

I went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days yesterday.

Long story short - baby looks good, heartbeat looks good, but my uterus is growing funny and is squishing the gestational sac, right where the baby is growing.

It looks like this:

 

Baby is down there, that whitish thing at the bottom.

We have a small thing to worry about, and that is the kind of pinching which is making the sac elongated, as pictured. What you maybe can't see is how thick the uterine wall is one the left side of that picture. The doctor says he's not sure what it is, it may be a vascular overgrowth that will work itself out, especially since we didn't see it last week and he never saw it before. So, he said we have a "greater than 60% chance of keeping, but less than 90%".

These are good odds. However, I was devastated. What most normal,healthy pregnancies hear at an appointment at this time is "Everything looks great! You have a 5% chance or less of losing."

He advised cancelling some upcoming work trips because the added stress would not be helpful and "if you miscarry, it won't be fun to do that in a hotel room." Truth.

It felt so unfair to hear that and if we're being completely honest, I spent most of the day an inconsolable wreck, shoving icecream down my throat (not ashamed). We have given *everything* to this shot at being parents - and several other tries over the last 3 years. I'm spent. 

I knew I needed to ask for a blessing the minute we left the doctor's office, but I was too angry and upset to be in a place to be receptive to whatever might be said so I waited until that evening when I was. I'm so grateful to have a priesthood holder in my house. I know that no matter what happens, we will be okay. 

We go back next week for another ultrasound to see how things are progressing and hopefully see some shrinkage in the growth on that left side.

Prayers are always appreciated. Will update when we know more.

BUT: for today, I'm pregnant and there's a little baby with a heartbeat in there. That's pretty cool.

1st Ultrasound and 5 weeks pregnant

For IVF pregnancies, they like to see you fairly early on to confirm the pregnancy via ultrasound and make sure it's not ectopic. I've been looking forward to this ultrasound for 9 days and praying every day that it would go well.

And... it did! We saw the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and the fetal pole, and were dated right on time at 5 weeks 4 days. We'll go back next week at 6w7d to confirm the heartbeat before they release us to our OB.

MISS ANYTHING: Nope.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Soup. I have had at least one serving of soup every day for almost 2 and a half weeks. It's all I want to eat.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: I get a tiny bit queasy if I go longer than 2 hours without eating.

WEIGHT GAIN: Haven't bothered to step on the scale, but have been cleared to start exercising again!

STRETCH MARKS:It's too early for that business.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy. I still can't believe this is real.

SYMPTOMS: 

• Sore stomach muscles (weird?)
• Night cramping
• Thirsty
• Tired

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Our ultrasound next week! I'm so happy that Jeff is off that week and he'll be able to be there for the heartbeat.

How I found out + 4 weeks pregnant

I'm journaling EVERYTHING.

A week and a half ago we went to look at houses. At that point, we were 4 days past 5 day transfer and had agreed that I would start testing the next day.

As soon as we were done, I ran to the grocery store to buy a 3 pack of FRER (the gold standard of pregnancy tests, if you will) and held out as long as I could til we got home. I waited the full 3 minutes, sad that something didn't pop up immediately.

And then it was there. The *faintest* of faint lines.

I promise it's there. - barely. I told Jeff and he was very hesitant to believe anything. "It's probably just the trigger."

Crap. It probably was. I called the pharmacist at 9:00 that night and the ensuing conversation was that yes, the amount of trigger I had taken technically should have been out of my system (I was 11 days past trigger) but a false positive wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility. So with that, I decided to test the next morning, and then the morning after that. If they kept getting darker, it was real.

The next picture is Sunday morning, the next day, and then Monday. Jeff still didn't believe the Sunda morning one. "Of course it's going to be darker because your urine is more concentrated in the morning."

Fine.

There was no denying on Monday. I put the test and a little note that said, "You're gonna be a Daddy!" In the bathroom for him to see. He was slightly optimistic. Slightly.

One of the things that tipped if off to me (I think) was the cramping I had from about 2 days past transfer onward, plus the off-and-on burning feeling. I've never had a UTI but I'd imagine that's what it felt like. Also, I was so. thirsty. I chalked that up to having been on a high sodium diet since retrieval to stave off hyperstimulation.

So far, I've just had a couple of really tired days, and I wake up crampy at night every night a couple of times.

Beta was confirmed this Saturday at 11 days past 5 day transfer and it was 560.3!

We're very excited. To finally see 2 pink lines and know we have made it to pregnancy after trying for so long is surreal. I overanalyze everything and get through it by telling myself that Heavenly Father has carried us this far, He has made all this possible, and it is in His hands for the duration.

For your viewing pleasure - top photo is my "ovary baby" from right in the thick of stimming (I was SO bloated) and bottom is how not pregnant I looked at four weeks. I'm 4 weeks 6 days today.

Surviving IVF

Since we made it through an IVF cycle, I figured I'd share what has been keeping me (and my husband sane) in the various aspects of IVF.



YOUR MEDS:
The meds were probably the easiest part for me this go-round (weird, since normally I get awful headaches and turn into some kind of raging hormonal witch from you know where. As an individual who doesn't often have to DEAL with naturally occurring hormones, having massive levels thrown at you all at once can shake your world).

• Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you are putting your body through a stressful and sometimes difficult regiment. Everything will be affected - your ability to think, your energy, the way you feel physically. It will probably come with some degree of pain. Just take it easy, do something each day that relaxes you, and try to keep your mind off of anything other than the aches and pains that go along with it. The thing I most looked forward to was a hot shower in the morning. For whatever reason, it's been extremely helpful with recovering from PIO shots, easing cramps and sore ovaries, etc. 
•  Find a way to keep track of your differing doses. I made myself an IVF book where I outlined the dates, and on each date I had an appt I would write in the appt time, the type of appt, the medications I needed to take, and the doses. This way if I ever got confused all I had to do was reference my little book. I'd take it with to doctors appointments, too.
• For peace of mind, take your meds at the same time every day. Some doctors tell you that a two hour window is fine. If we were out and about, I would go to the later end of that window, but for the most part, I did shots at 8:30 at night. When they told me to trigger at 10:30, the needle went into my skin at *exactly* 10:30.
• Check your dosing multiple times. I am the kind that will think about it 30 minutes after the fact and wonder "Did I mess up my shots?!". To counteract that, I would draw up the syringe, check the amount, get all the air bubbles out, check the amount again, and then, after prepping my skin, check the amount for a third time. I would also double check which vial I was drawing from about 3 times, too. At the very least, I could have peace of mind that yes, I did in fact give myself the correct dosage even if it took fifteen minutes to administer 2-3 shots.

YOUR DR's APPTS:

If at all possible, find a Dr. that has WIFI and short appointment times. I realize - please, believe me - that your options can be quite limited when you live in a smaller town, but do your due diligence and find an office that will work for you. When we lived in Lubbock, we had 2 choices for REs. The first one was horrific with long wait times every.single.day. At least an hour before even being called back. To me, that was unacceptable - how was I supposed to make that work when I had a fulltime job? The next one was marginally better, but still had the occasional wait time longer than 45 minutes with no wifi. Mind, I didn't want the Wifi to entertain myself - I wanted to be able to work. The RE office here in Utah rarely had a wait time longer than five minutes and if they did, they had Wifi and a computer available. I felt 100% comfortable going to every appointment because I knew I could keep on top of work and even if it took longer than an hour round trip (which it almost NEVER did) I wouldn't be behind on work when I got home. My husband appreciated the Wifi too, as it allowed him to use his phone and stay entertained during the longer appointments.

YOUR MARRIAGE

This is probably the biggest one of all. Before starting fertility treatments, I had no idea exactly how much it would affect our marriage.

• It will affect your finances. It just will. Unless you are one of the fortunate few who have treatments covered by insurance, be prepared for it to hurt a little bit. We had to save before we started each treatment and consciously make the decision that it was important enough to both of us to affect our finances. More on that later.
•  You're going to want to talk about it all.the.time. It's going to be on your mind 24/7 because it affects pretty much every part of your life - you are the one having to finagle all the doctors appointments in addition to whatever else you have going on in your life, you are the one getting shot up with medication, you are the one feeling the effects of that medication. Newsflash: your partner has a different view. He understands what is going on, but he also has a higher level view and understands there are still 57 other normal things going on in your life. He will not want to hear about your lady parts 24/7. Find other things to talk about.
• Stay close. Have fun. Go on dates. Be a couple.
• It's gonna affect your sex life. It just is. Depending on your protocol, it's going to throw a massive wrench into what you're able to do, and when. Be sensitive to your partner. (Sorry you had to read that, mom).

YOUR FINANCES

This is such a subjective thing (as is most of fertility treatment) but here is what we found that helped minimize the financial stress for us.

• Save for it up front. Once you know what kind of treatment you're looking at (and get an idea before you even go into a consult what your insurance will and won't cover), save up for it up front. That way, when the money is spent, even if you get a negative result you're not left paying on something that didn't work out. We did that for both of our IUI cycles and it felt so good to be able to just forget that cycle and move on. Granted, we have been 6-7 months between each treatment cycle, but we were willing to do that to take care of the finances. We may have been more aggressive if we had felt "right" about either of the REs.
• Forget about the money after you write the check. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Yeah, you're going to notice that your bank account decreased dramatically. Write that check and don't think about it again.

The Blessing of Infertility

This is not a post I'm going to share on social media, it's more so that I can remember the blessings of this 3 year trial we've been dealing with in the future.

A year and a half ago, I was bitter. So, so bitter. Why on earth would such a righteous desire be withheld from me? Why would I be sent to earth without a functioning body? What would my place be if it wasn't to be a mother? Why couldn't I give my husband children? Why, why, why.

It was a very, very tearful first 1.5 years.

And then we started treatment.

And there were more. Tears from hormones, tears for having to send husband to go give samples, tears for wondering why what is supposed to be a beautiful and intimate and private event was suddenly invaded by doctors and nurses and strangers asking questions they *had* to ask that nobody wants to answer.

And then there were tears for cancelled (expensive) treatment cycle after cancelled treatment cycles.

But something happened last year. Last summer, when we cancelled our last IUI attempt and were told IVF was the way for us to go, there were no more tears.

Just resolve.

We had an opportunity to unite, as a couple, in a way most (I wish it were fewer, I know so many beautiful, strong couples facing this same struggle) couples don't. While yes- Jeff learned way, way, way more about his wife's insides than he probably EVER wanted to, he got to learn the ins and outs of what actually makes a baby. It caused us to re-evaluate certain aspects of our lives and see what we could do to become healthier. We had to mutually decide that yes, this was worth investing several thousand dollars in and work hard to sacrifice and save so we could try this. We got to go to doctors appts together. We got to pray together, dream together, and encourage each other. It gave us extra opportunities to respect and love each other for the lengths we were willing to go to do our very best to have a family. That's pretty special.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I feel we've turned a corner. If we can make it through this, we can make it through anything. And I'm glad I got to learn that.

2/23: Embryo Transfer Complete

Today was the big day! We went in to have one or two embryos transferred, but we weren't sure what to do until the doctor sat down with us.

Out of 11, we had 2 good quality blastocysts, with one lagging a little behind to potentially bring it up to 3.

That felt like a blow to the stomach, but I chose not to think about it til after the transfer.

They gave us "post-op" instructions ( I feel weird calling it post op but we did go into a sterile room and made us gown up and wear hair nets and booties and masks) and handed me a valium to relax and off we went.

I wish we had taken pictures but I didn't have the presence of mind to ask. The embryologist came in and visited with us, explained the grading system and on a scale of 1-6, the one we transferred was a 4AB. So on the better side of good - she said they look for anything from 3-5, and rarely see a 6. We opted to freeze our other embryo and they will look tomorrow to see if the lagging one caught up to a viable stage.

The process itself was really quick - they do an ultrasound to make sure everything looks good, prep you, and then you watch the embryologist on screen suck up your little embryo into a tube and then watch on the screen as it gets transferred home!

Here's a picture of the cute little embryo that I'm currently carrying. Please pray that it sticks around!

And... that's it! It's strange to think that an entire month and a half of prepping, doctors visits, medicine, and excitement has already finished.

Day 3 Embryo Update

Yesterday, we found out we still had 11 embryos growing away. 6 were of good quality, 5 were of fair. When I asked the nurse (?) who called if we should expect the fair embryos to arrest, she said, "Not necessarily. Some of them may catch up."

The scale goes from Excellent, Good, Fair, and Poor - it's a little frustrating to not have more information than that and many fertility clinics have scales that vary by location. I'm looking forward to finding out more about the grading tomorrow when they're a little more developed!

So we're crossing everything and praying hard that we have at least 6 viable embryos tomorrow...

Tomorrow is transfer day!