"Chosen and Trusted" to be a mother.

Something has been on my heart for a while and since pretty much no one reads this blog, and I don't post it to social media often in an attempt to be sensitive to those who are in the middle of their infertility struggle, I'm going to write it here.

Along the three years we dealt with infertility, throughout the countless doctors appointments, tears, and hard days at church (yes, going to church in an extremely family-centered environment is really taxing when you can't seem to put together a family of your own) I developed an intense dislike for phrases often shared by "blessed" young mothers who knew nothing of the struggle to bring a child into their home.

I can say that.

Hearing, repeatedly, out of the mouths of such fertile women that they were "so grateful that God chose them to be a mother" or "so grateful that they were trusted to care for children" is an unintentional knife to the heart of any woman who can't do so on a whim just because they want to.

It conjures feelings like this: "So you feel like just because you had sex once and got pregnant that God chose you over people like me?" "Do you really feel like God trusts you over me?" "Do you really think you are that much more righteous than me that you were "chosen" and "trusted"?" "Wait - maybe you are - is there a reason I haven't been "chosen" or "trusted"?"

Well, maybe the simple explanation is that they have been "chosen and trusted" to go through a different trial.

I have always had a silent (and now not-so-silent) resolve that phrases in any similitude to those will never be a part of my vocabulary.

Instead, I will express what I'm sure will be nearly identical heart-felt gratitude like this: "I'm so grateful for the opportunity to be a mother."

"I'm so grateful to have the chance to care for this child."

"I'm grateful for what I've learned on my path to motherhood."

Because there is no one who is *not* chosen to be a mother. Whether children come to your home through foster care, adoption, a lot of help from science or even the old fashioned way, anyone can be a mother. There is a way.

To all my friends and loved ones right in the middle of this battle, you are chosen. You are trusted. You are chosen and trusted to go through this struggle because He knew you could do it. He knew you would make it to the other side, however that looks.

I am prepared to deal with this struggle each time we feel we are ready to add another child to our family. We know we will be lucky to have two children. We know we are incredibly blessed and grateful to have the opportunity with the one that is currently growing in my belly.

That's pretty much all I wanted to say. I felt a little guilty writing this because it felt wrong to express out loud, although goodness knows my mom took enough tearful phone calls where I said the same thing in a much more colorful way. But sometimes, even the hard stuff needs to be said.

15 Weeks Pregnant

 

15 weeks and moving right along! I'm counting down these next 5 weeks until we can find out what it is. I wake up with a relatively flat stomach in the AM but it fills out a little as the days go on. I think I can feel little movements, which translate into more twingy, odd crampy sensations but I could be totally fooling myself so I'm trying not to read too much into anything until I can say for certain that I *know* they are baby movements.

MISS ANYTHING: Nope.

FOOD CRAVINGS: No more cravings, I'm off the Mexican bandwagon. I'm hungry - like punch a man hungry- every 3 hours so I try to eat several smaller meals through the day.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nope. Not even a little.

WEIGHT GAIN: 7 lbs. I've gotta slow this down.

STRETCH MARKS: Nope.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy to be in the 2nd trimester! I feel more at ease than I did through the first trimester but am looking forward to more milestones - definitive kicks, gender ultrasound (we both think it's a boy), and 24 weeks for a first viability checkpoint.

SYMPTOMS: 

•   Gaining weight
• Peeing all. the. time.
• Pregnant boobs, which are awesome.

 LOOKING FORWARD TO: Kicks! And gender ultrasound. If we're being honest it will probably be at least another 5 weeks til I post again.

8 weeks pregnant

pic on the right: 5 day old embryo- pic on the left: 8 week baby!

#worthit. This week's appointment was AWESOME. I don't know how well you can see but the sac is rounding out and all the mass is is a fibroid tumor! Which are NOT uncommon. Baby is measuring right at 8 weeks 1 day, heartbeat was beautiful at 156 bpm, and doctor said it's looking great. We were discharged from his care and though we are so happy to be at this point, it was a sad thing to say goodbye to him and his sweet MA since they've been such a big part of our lives for the past three months and have helped us make our biggest dream come true. From panicked phone calls full of obsessive questions to handling my drugged out self for retrieval and transfer, they've been so patient and we always felt 100% confident in his judgement. How do you say "thank you" for that?

Maybe repeat business. He promised he would be around in a couple years when we're ready to go at it again.

Maybe that picture up there is cheesy. Maybe not. To me it represents a lot of effort and dedication to bring a little baby to our family.

MISS ANYTHING: Nope.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Up until yesterday it was tacos and spicy food. Then I went to TacoTime and had Nachos that made me queasy for the rest of the day. Now when I think about tacos I feel a little puke in the back of my throat.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: Nachos, I guess. The smell of meat cooking. Waiting too long between snacks.

WEIGHT GAIN: Still haven't been able to get on the scale.

STRETCH MARKS:Nope.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy. This week's appointment was just what I needed.

SYMPTOMS: 

•  Sore boobs
• bloating
• twinges
• a little queasy sometimes
• hungry

 LOOKING FORWARD TO: Bloat going away and getting a legit bump. I've been using the hairtie trick for weeks now and if I can help it, I don't wear pants. #notsorry

7 weeks pregnant

I went in for an ultrasound at 6 weeks 6 days yesterday.

Long story short - baby looks good, heartbeat looks good, but my uterus is growing funny and is squishing the gestational sac, right where the baby is growing.

It looks like this:

 

Baby is down there, that whitish thing at the bottom.

We have a small thing to worry about, and that is the kind of pinching which is making the sac elongated, as pictured. What you maybe can't see is how thick the uterine wall is one the left side of that picture. The doctor says he's not sure what it is, it may be a vascular overgrowth that will work itself out, especially since we didn't see it last week and he never saw it before. So, he said we have a "greater than 60% chance of keeping, but less than 90%".

These are good odds. However, I was devastated. What most normal,healthy pregnancies hear at an appointment at this time is "Everything looks great! You have a 5% chance or less of losing."

He advised cancelling some upcoming work trips because the added stress would not be helpful and "if you miscarry, it won't be fun to do that in a hotel room." Truth.

It felt so unfair to hear that and if we're being completely honest, I spent most of the day an inconsolable wreck, shoving icecream down my throat (not ashamed). We have given *everything* to this shot at being parents - and several other tries over the last 3 years. I'm spent. 

I knew I needed to ask for a blessing the minute we left the doctor's office, but I was too angry and upset to be in a place to be receptive to whatever might be said so I waited until that evening when I was. I'm so grateful to have a priesthood holder in my house. I know that no matter what happens, we will be okay. 

We go back next week for another ultrasound to see how things are progressing and hopefully see some shrinkage in the growth on that left side.

Prayers are always appreciated. Will update when we know more.

BUT: for today, I'm pregnant and there's a little baby with a heartbeat in there. That's pretty cool.

1st Ultrasound and 5 weeks pregnant

For IVF pregnancies, they like to see you fairly early on to confirm the pregnancy via ultrasound and make sure it's not ectopic. I've been looking forward to this ultrasound for 9 days and praying every day that it would go well.

And... it did! We saw the gestational sac, the yolk sac, and the fetal pole, and were dated right on time at 5 weeks 4 days. We'll go back next week at 6w7d to confirm the heartbeat before they release us to our OB.

MISS ANYTHING: Nope.

FOOD CRAVINGS: Soup. I have had at least one serving of soup every day for almost 2 and a half weeks. It's all I want to eat.

ANYTHING MAKE YOU QUEASY: I get a tiny bit queasy if I go longer than 2 hours without eating.

WEIGHT GAIN: Haven't bothered to step on the scale, but have been cleared to start exercising again!

STRETCH MARKS:It's too early for that business.

HAPPY OR MOODY: Happy. I still can't believe this is real.

SYMPTOMS: 

• Sore stomach muscles (weird?)
• Night cramping
• Thirsty
• Tired

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Our ultrasound next week! I'm so happy that Jeff is off that week and he'll be able to be there for the heartbeat.

How I found out + 4 weeks pregnant

I'm journaling EVERYTHING.

A week and a half ago we went to look at houses. At that point, we were 4 days past 5 day transfer and had agreed that I would start testing the next day.

As soon as we were done, I ran to the grocery store to buy a 3 pack of FRER (the gold standard of pregnancy tests, if you will) and held out as long as I could til we got home. I waited the full 3 minutes, sad that something didn't pop up immediately.

And then it was there. The *faintest* of faint lines.

I promise it's there. - barely. I told Jeff and he was very hesitant to believe anything. "It's probably just the trigger."

Crap. It probably was. I called the pharmacist at 9:00 that night and the ensuing conversation was that yes, the amount of trigger I had taken technically should have been out of my system (I was 11 days past trigger) but a false positive wasn't entirely out of the realm of possibility. So with that, I decided to test the next morning, and then the morning after that. If they kept getting darker, it was real.

The next picture is Sunday morning, the next day, and then Monday. Jeff still didn't believe the Sunda morning one. "Of course it's going to be darker because your urine is more concentrated in the morning."

Fine.

There was no denying on Monday. I put the test and a little note that said, "You're gonna be a Daddy!" In the bathroom for him to see. He was slightly optimistic. Slightly.

One of the things that tipped if off to me (I think) was the cramping I had from about 2 days past transfer onward, plus the off-and-on burning feeling. I've never had a UTI but I'd imagine that's what it felt like. Also, I was so. thirsty. I chalked that up to having been on a high sodium diet since retrieval to stave off hyperstimulation.

So far, I've just had a couple of really tired days, and I wake up crampy at night every night a couple of times.

Beta was confirmed this Saturday at 11 days past 5 day transfer and it was 560.3!

We're very excited. To finally see 2 pink lines and know we have made it to pregnancy after trying for so long is surreal. I overanalyze everything and get through it by telling myself that Heavenly Father has carried us this far, He has made all this possible, and it is in His hands for the duration.

For your viewing pleasure - top photo is my "ovary baby" from right in the thick of stimming (I was SO bloated) and bottom is how not pregnant I looked at four weeks. I'm 4 weeks 6 days today.

Surviving IVF

Since we made it through an IVF cycle, I figured I'd share what has been keeping me (and my husband sane) in the various aspects of IVF.



YOUR MEDS:
The meds were probably the easiest part for me this go-round (weird, since normally I get awful headaches and turn into some kind of raging hormonal witch from you know where. As an individual who doesn't often have to DEAL with naturally occurring hormones, having massive levels thrown at you all at once can shake your world).

• Be kind to yourself. Recognize that you are putting your body through a stressful and sometimes difficult regiment. Everything will be affected - your ability to think, your energy, the way you feel physically. It will probably come with some degree of pain. Just take it easy, do something each day that relaxes you, and try to keep your mind off of anything other than the aches and pains that go along with it. The thing I most looked forward to was a hot shower in the morning. For whatever reason, it's been extremely helpful with recovering from PIO shots, easing cramps and sore ovaries, etc. 
•  Find a way to keep track of your differing doses. I made myself an IVF book where I outlined the dates, and on each date I had an appt I would write in the appt time, the type of appt, the medications I needed to take, and the doses. This way if I ever got confused all I had to do was reference my little book. I'd take it with to doctors appointments, too.
• For peace of mind, take your meds at the same time every day. Some doctors tell you that a two hour window is fine. If we were out and about, I would go to the later end of that window, but for the most part, I did shots at 8:30 at night. When they told me to trigger at 10:30, the needle went into my skin at *exactly* 10:30.
• Check your dosing multiple times. I am the kind that will think about it 30 minutes after the fact and wonder "Did I mess up my shots?!". To counteract that, I would draw up the syringe, check the amount, get all the air bubbles out, check the amount again, and then, after prepping my skin, check the amount for a third time. I would also double check which vial I was drawing from about 3 times, too. At the very least, I could have peace of mind that yes, I did in fact give myself the correct dosage even if it took fifteen minutes to administer 2-3 shots.

YOUR DR's APPTS:

If at all possible, find a Dr. that has WIFI and short appointment times. I realize - please, believe me - that your options can be quite limited when you live in a smaller town, but do your due diligence and find an office that will work for you. When we lived in Lubbock, we had 2 choices for REs. The first one was horrific with long wait times every.single.day. At least an hour before even being called back. To me, that was unacceptable - how was I supposed to make that work when I had a fulltime job? The next one was marginally better, but still had the occasional wait time longer than 45 minutes with no wifi. Mind, I didn't want the Wifi to entertain myself - I wanted to be able to work. The RE office here in Utah rarely had a wait time longer than five minutes and if they did, they had Wifi and a computer available. I felt 100% comfortable going to every appointment because I knew I could keep on top of work and even if it took longer than an hour round trip (which it almost NEVER did) I wouldn't be behind on work when I got home. My husband appreciated the Wifi too, as it allowed him to use his phone and stay entertained during the longer appointments.

YOUR MARRIAGE

This is probably the biggest one of all. Before starting fertility treatments, I had no idea exactly how much it would affect our marriage.

• It will affect your finances. It just will. Unless you are one of the fortunate few who have treatments covered by insurance, be prepared for it to hurt a little bit. We had to save before we started each treatment and consciously make the decision that it was important enough to both of us to affect our finances. More on that later.
•  You're going to want to talk about it all.the.time. It's going to be on your mind 24/7 because it affects pretty much every part of your life - you are the one having to finagle all the doctors appointments in addition to whatever else you have going on in your life, you are the one getting shot up with medication, you are the one feeling the effects of that medication. Newsflash: your partner has a different view. He understands what is going on, but he also has a higher level view and understands there are still 57 other normal things going on in your life. He will not want to hear about your lady parts 24/7. Find other things to talk about.
• Stay close. Have fun. Go on dates. Be a couple.
• It's gonna affect your sex life. It just is. Depending on your protocol, it's going to throw a massive wrench into what you're able to do, and when. Be sensitive to your partner. (Sorry you had to read that, mom).

YOUR FINANCES

This is such a subjective thing (as is most of fertility treatment) but here is what we found that helped minimize the financial stress for us.

• Save for it up front. Once you know what kind of treatment you're looking at (and get an idea before you even go into a consult what your insurance will and won't cover), save up for it up front. That way, when the money is spent, even if you get a negative result you're not left paying on something that didn't work out. We did that for both of our IUI cycles and it felt so good to be able to just forget that cycle and move on. Granted, we have been 6-7 months between each treatment cycle, but we were willing to do that to take care of the finances. We may have been more aggressive if we had felt "right" about either of the REs.
• Forget about the money after you write the check. Yeah, it's a lot of money. Yeah, you're going to notice that your bank account decreased dramatically. Write that check and don't think about it again.